Making it Tough for the Fix-it Man

 It’s the time of year when the things you got for Christmas start to break. The time for this phenomenon, popularly known as TID (Toss It Day) has shrunk from about mid-March in the ‘70s to three weeks after you got them, now-a-days right about now. The length of useful time has shrunk in proportion to the use of plastic to make stuff and China’s introduction to it.

It struck me how difficult it is to fix anything anymore. It used to be that when you had trouble with an appliance, a tool, or some other piece of equipment, you dragged out your toolbox, tore the think apart, fixed it and put it back together. (Not many people still alive who remember those days.) But now it’s nearly impossible to get the thing apart and, try as you might, it never seems to go back together – at least for someone suffering the drawback of having only two opposable thumbs.

I visited the Shake-Me-I-Rattle appliance factory and spoke with New Product Developer Herschel Highpockets, a new man in the lab.

“I see you’ve just completed something, Herschel, whatcha call it?”

“That there’s a Handy-Dandy Thigamadoodle, Newshawk” he replied, sticking his chest out just a bit.

“What’s the Handy-Dandy Thigamadoodle do?” I asked.

“It automatically peels grapes and, by flipping this lever here, it helps you pick stuff from between your teeth.,” he announced proudly.

At that time Snidely Prattle, the quality control chief, arrived to inspect Highpocket’s invention.

“Well, I see you’ve finished the Handy-Dandy Thigmadoodle, Highpockets. Let’s have a look.”

He picked up the device, turned it all around, looked it over closely, then, pointing to the head of a bolt, asked, “ What’s this here?”

“The head of a bolt,” replied Highpockets.

“What’s the bolt do?” asks Prattle.

“Holds the Thigamadoodle together. Just unscrew the bolt, and the Thigamadoodle comes apart for easy repair.”

“NO! NO! NO!” screeched Prattle. “That’s a no-no. Are you nuts or something? You can’t put the head of a bolt right out in the open like that! Geez, everybody can see it!”

Well, er … It’s not an ugly bolt,” Highpockets stammered. “I can’t see …”

“ANYBODY can take this thing apart!” Prattle seethed, showing his teeth. “That’s not how we do things. It’s too easy! Why, I’ll bet the holes line right back up again when you go to put the Doodle back together!”

“Yeah, but …”

“NO! NO! NO! That’ll never do! Does the nut inside that screws onto the end of the bolt stay in place when you dismantle this thing?”

“Sure …”

“NO! NO! NO, Highpockets! The nut has to fall down inside someplace that’s impossible to get to. That increases the chances of losing it for future use. Is the bolt head metric? It doesn’t look metric.”

“No sir,” mumbled Highpockets.

“Oh, it MUST be metric! Most do-it-yourselfers have conventional tools. We must think of our service people. Shame, shame on you,” he admonished, shaking a finger at Highpockets. “How many functions can the Doodle do?” Prattle wanted to know.

“Well, er, ah, two.”

“Two? TWO?” Prattle couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Oh, now wait just a minute, young man! You’ve gone too far. What you’ve done calls for making two Thigamadoodles. One for each function. We market variety, not versatility. That’s a thing of the past. We’d be the laughing stock of the industry. Does this thing really work?”

”Oh, yessir. Perfectly.” Highpockets beamed, not having learned his lesson yet. “It has all metal parts.”

“WHAT?” Prattle howled. Surely you jest! I’m gonna have to keep an eye on you, I can see that. Plastic. Always think plastic. Use plastic for moving parts. Metal parts take too long to wear out. Service. Think service . New sales.”

“But, sir,” sputtered the good-hearted inventor, “wouldn’t people be more inclined to stick with a brand they knew they could get good service from? Don’t people appreciate quality and versatility anymore?”

“I don’t know anything about that,” Prattle snapped. “They can’t buy what they can’t get. Now get back to work, Highpockets, and remember: Keep it simple, keep it metric, keep it plastic, and, above all, don’t forget to hide the bolts!”

Update on Sunday's Wild Card Games

I had planned to get this info out earlier today, but my son is leaving for his home Connecticut early tomorrow and I wanted to spent a day with him before he left. With the Christmas season being as hectic as it was, we had very little time together. We made it up today. We enjoy each other's company.

Sunday's games went pretty much as predicted. Scores in both games were somewhat higher than I thought they would be - Steelers 30 point win over Miami was a bit of a surprise, but the Dolphins pretty much gave the game away with three turnovers and several stupid mistakes. Plus the Steelers held Jay Ajayi in check, while LeVeon Bell run for well over a 100 yards. The Packers 38-13 win over the Giants was also a pleasant surprise, but, as stated, if they could avoid the Lady-Bad-Luck bug and Eli Manning played a sub-par game (which he did), Green Bay would pull it off. As usual, Aaron Rodgers was brilliant.

Eleven of the 23 people to played our little game reported picking four winners, The others reported losing only one game. Well done, but we have two more weeks to go. I hope you and hopefully some others will join me later in the week to select their choices in the Divisional Playoffs. Two games on Saturday and two games on Sunday. Catch you later.

Sunday's NFL Picks

Those who picked Houston and Seattle in Saturday's games did well. Today we must choose between Pittsburgh and Miami, and New York and Green Bay.

The Steelers are 10-point favorites in the one o'clock game. I think that's too many, but who knows. This game will feature two premier running backs, Miami's Jay Ajayi and Pittsburgh's LeVeon Bell, so expect a ground game. When Bell gets jammed up, Big Ben will go to wide receiver Antonio Brown or TE Jesse James. Miami's starting QB Tannehill is and out may be a problem for the Dolphins who need all the help they can get. Steelers (I don't know about covering the 10 points).

No team has had worse luck in the playoffs in recent years than the Packers. If they can avoid Bad-Lady Luck, look for Aaron Rodgers' magic to carry them over the Giants by a touchdown. Of course, this assumes Eli Manning plays at his current low level. If Eli has a typical Eli playoff game, this could turn into a real barn-burner.

NFL Games - Let's have Some Fun!

This weekend is NFL Wild Card weekend., four great football games. Let’s have some fun and see if we can pick some winners. I usually run at about 50-60 percent on playoff games.

In the first game, 4:35 today, the Houston Texans take on the Oakland Raiders in Houston.  This will be a battle between lousy quarterbacks, so don’t expect much scoring. The Texans own the best defense in the league, and they are 7-1 at home. Houston in a yawner.

This evening the Detroit Lions (9-7) play the Seattle Seahawks (10-5-1). Matthew Stafford is 1-3 with the bum finger. He says it’s no problem, but something ain’t right. Meanwhile, Russell Wilson will be picking apart the Detroit secondary and when the Lions manage to close down passing lanes, Russell can sure run. Seahawks are favored by eight. They’ll win but might not cover the points.

At 1:05 Sunday the Miami Dolphins (10-6) take on the Pittsburgh Steelers (11-5 at Pitt), with Pitt favored by 10. That’s a lot of points in a playoff game, but given that Dolphin QB Tannehill is out the Steelers could cover. This points to being a battle between two of the NFL’s best running backs – Miami’s Jay Ajayi and Pittsburgh’s LeVeon Bell. Look for the other B’s – Big Ben and Mr. Brown - in the Steeler lineup to make the difference. Steelers by 8.

Sunday afternoon the N.Y. Giants(11-5) travel to icy Lambeau Field to play the Green Bay Packers(10-6), the Pack favored by 41/2. No team has experienced worse luck in the playoffs in the past several years than the Packers. If they can avoid Lady Bad-Luck and Aaron Rodgers continues to work his on-field magic, and Manning plays at his recent low level,  look for the Pack to pull this one out. Points, hell who knows; it should a real close game.

Email me a fvoss70@live.com with any comments or snide remarks.

Writers Need to Use Readable Words

Yes, it’s been awhile since I’ve written in this space. I apologize for the lapse.

Truth is, I haven’t been feeling so hot. Diabetes and a bad back causing lots of problems. I don’ think the two are related – at least I haven’t heard any theories linking the two, but it’s not out of the question. I fully expect that, every time I visit my primary, he’s going to offer me a new pill that cures those two maladies and everything else I’m living with. He’s a miracle man; he has a pill for everything.

This diabetes is some serious business. I have an awful time keeping blood sugars at an acceptable level. And memory loss is annoying as hell. I was having episodes during which I was literally brain dead; I could not response to simple questions. I’m calling it diabetic amnesia. For example, we had a computer tech over one day to help out with a few things. He asks my password, and I could not for the life of me think of what it was. He asks my email address – same thing. These times usually don’t last very long, and I’m back to normal. He said he’d call the next day, but he didn’t. I must have spooked him. There’s something about mental derangement, no matter how temporary, that does that to people.

There is, however, a lasting effect to this experience. Somewhere along the line I’ve lost the ability to comprehend college-level/ scholarly reading material. Oh, I can reason out meanings and such but the dictionary is always within arm’s reach. Even then, sometimes it’s tough. I find that after reading a paragraph (or sometimes just a sentence), I can’t remember what I’ve read. I’ve put down several books over the past couple of months for that reason.

For instance, I’m currently reading “All the Real Indians Died Off,” by Roxanne Dunbar-Ortiz and Dina Gilio-Whitaker. What should be an interesting book on the plight of American Indians during the nineteenth century is, for me, a nightmare to read. I’m loathe to criticize two obvious scholars, both of whom appear to be truly concerned with the ragged treatment of the Indians, but there appears to be considerable overreach in the use of vocabulary. They seem to be trying to impress their audience with how smart they are. I’m sure they are both intelligent women, but they need to back off with the words. I was taught to write like you speak. Scholars want to sound scholarly, but, if they want to sell more books, they need to be readable. Ten years ago I would have had no problem with the words. Now, I do, and I’m sure there are others going through the same thing.

Another thing that bothers me about this book is that (as far as I can tell, from what I was able to read) it is just another whiny, woe-is-us, condemnation of white people. Most of us know how shabbily nineteenth-century whites treated the Indians. We get it. That it’s an issue with Indians is evident is the hundreds of books written on the subject. Some, at least, are readable.

Not only do we have American Indians writing volumes about American Indians getting the shaft more than a hundred years after the fact, we have black people still whining about slavery 150 years after a war that cost 600,000 American lives.  Volumes on both of these subjects can easily be found in the history section at almost any library. Note that says HISTORY section.

There two things that looking into these two subjects over the years has taught me. One, when I see a female author using a hyphenated last name, run like hell away from that book. There is, however, a bright side to all of this weepy-eyed chronicling  of white evil-doing  (dare I say racist?).At least these people have found something to do with themselves that they can make a living at. We can be happy not to be sending them checks every month. It’s similar to what very tall black men would be doing without the NBA?

What I don’t get is what they hope to gain by all the whining. Black people want reparations; Indians want their land back. That’s it?

My best advice - Go, Woof!

Is There Another Job BO Could Fail At

I apologize for my absence last week, but I haven’t been feeling well.

Besides that, I’ve been having some unwelcome thoughts about this election. Well, not so much the election itself – which I wholly approved of, but more the aftermath. What’s does the administration have in mind for the rest of BO’s reign? Good question.

I, as well as a number of other pundits who write, have been saying for sometime (at least two years in my case) that BO will not willingly walk away from the presidency. His narcissism will not permit him to acknowledge that someone else is as qualified for the office as he is. Certainly, no one is better qualified - and certainly not Donald Trump.

Ever notice that as far as the country has sunk into depression, our president has never, even once, admitted to screwing anything up. He often says things like, “There’s folks out there complaining about this or that, but there’s a whole lotta folks who I done a good job.” Of course he doesn’t bother to name any of those people, and I would not be surprised if some pretty adamant Democrats would not want to answer the question.

 To my mind, only the very silly voted for the Democrat candidate in this last election. The very silly and the stupid. I mean, let’s be serious here: Who in their right mind casts their vote for a person who is an obvious criminal and should be in a jail cell, not living at home in a mansion in Chautauqua. How can serious voters ignore all of the obvious corruption lurking in the House of Clinton? Answer: Serious voters could not, only nitwits could.

All of which begs the question as to why there are so many riots occurring around the country. Are there really so many disgruntled liberal voters, appalled by the election of Donald Trump and feel that abusing Republicans, and almost certainly, other Democrats will change the results of the election?

Of course, we all know by now that the rioters are bought and paid for by Democrats. George Soros, the crumb from Hungary, contributes millions to the cause as does Warren Buffet, the vaunted Oracle of Omaha, who sold out to liberal causes years ago. The DNC are also big contributors to the riots. The story is BO wants it to seems as though the whole country is out of control in the angst against the Trump selection, which would make it okay to declare martial law. As for as I’ve been able to tell, by what I’ve been able to read, he can set martial law, even though there’s a president-elect standing by. My guess is, an Obama dictatorship would put the kibosh on a Trump presidency, and give the incumbent free rein to plunder the country even further. Like I said, I doubt BO has any intention of walking away from power. What else would he do if he weren’t president? Is there some kind of work that he knows how to do? Is there a community organizer job available in Chicago? Is he good enough to qualify for the PGA? Or is president the only job he would fail at? 

Of course, this all may be hyperbole. There’s a good chance nothing of the kind will happen.

But 

Digging Up Shovel-Ready Jobs

For the second week in a row the president didn’t show up in the Ovoid Space for the state-of-the-campaign meeting. Word has it he really didn’t like most of the people there as they had no miracle ideas about how to get him a third term.

Apparently, he had no interest in solving the puzzle of the economy – no thoughts on the subject and there were more fun things to do, like fly around the country in a 747, plead for money and play round after round of golf. Those who keep track of such things report BHO by far and away holds the record for campaign pleadings and golf dates during a presidential term. He seems to have no interest in anything else – the country withered while BHO dithered, it is safe to say.

With nothing going on in the Ovoid Space, I decided to hang around Shamalot and find some newsworthy material for our area newspaper. It was just becoming evening and house lights and street lamps dotted the landscape. I sat on a bench along a walkway through a park and fell asleep.

I awoke hours later to the sound of people moving through nearby bushes. That is, they looked like people but they were somehow different. They were dressed in everyday clothes, but the clothes were torn and ragged. They reeked of a rottenish, earthy smell. The creatures walked slowly, trancelike, like there wasn’t a thought in their heads and seemed to be heading in one general direction. Curious, I followed. I was amazed at the number of zomboidal creatures moving ominously toward Shamalot. Puzzlement rumpled my brow. Then I saw the guys with shovels digging in a nearby cemetery. As with most men in the company of shovels, they spent most their time leaning on the tools and talking.

“Hey, boss, just what the heck are we doin’ out here in the middle of the night diggin’ up bodies?” asked a particularly adept shovel holder-upper.

“Never mind, just keep diggin’,” says the boss. “You welfare guys don’t move a lot of dirt on a shovel-ready job, do ya? The public was told by our presidential type there would be shovel-ready jobs a long time ago. This is them.”

“But where do all these zomboidals come from?”

Boss BO told us to dig up some Democrat voters for the election coming up. So we’re diggin’ up voters and showing he’s created shovel-ready jobs.”

“Could I take a couple home to my kids for Halloween? They would really like to have a couple of zombies around, for when other kids come trick or treatin’. These guys could  lurk in the shadows and when the kids come along and yell Trick or Treat, they could jump out and scare the crap right out of the little rascals, you know? How about it, just a couple?”

“Yeah, all right, but just a couple. And you got to replant them after they vote. With a shovel.”

‘Yeah, all right, sure! Hey, it seems like there’s a lot more zomboidals around than we’re diggin’ up for our friend BO. Where do they all come from.”

“Democrats kept ‘em warehoused under the ground, secret-like, whence nobody kin find ‘em. They stack ‘em ten, twelve to the hole. Everybody knows they’re around; they just don’t know where to look.”

“But why are they here? What use kin half-dead humans have?”

“Look, dummy, be careful what you say ‘bout these folks. These is VIPs, every one, though they come up a bit short of looking like it.”

“VIPs? Yer kiddin’, right? C’mon, who are they – really?” said the confused, sort-of-worker.

“These here is dead VIPS. We dig ‘em up every now and then to vote for Democrats in important elections. This year BO wants to show he’s actually created shovel-ready jobs, so we’re diggin’ ‘em up so HRC can show them off to the voters We’ll herd ‘em over to the voting booths next week, so they kin cast their lot, then we’ll bury ‘em or store them till next election.”

“O-o-oh-h, I get it!”

“Pretty neat, huh?

 “Hey, don’t forget to write down the names of the people you dig up. They have to be accounted for on the voting rolls. Democrats don’t want to get caught with their pants down, you know?”

“Hey, what am I gonna do with this is one?” asked the welfare guy, looking google-eyed at a tombstone.

“Why, what’s the problem?”

“This guy has one of them mile-long Eyetalian last names. It’ll take a day to write it all down.”

“Ah. Don’t worry about it. Just skip it, go to the next one.”

“Ah, nah. I don’t want to cheat the poor guy out of his chance to vote.”