Government is Just as it Seems

The year is 2023 and DFC (dreaded female Clinton) has been BIC (bitch in chief) for seven years. The times are bleak. We citizens are being put upon in every way possible. The government owns everything and is taxing it.

For instance, the government has taken over PP (poop production in all aspects) as mandated under Senate Bill SSL (Sewage Supervision Legislation – passed under threat of veto by DFC), which, if you’ll pardon the french, stinks to high hell.

The bastards have assumed ownership of an entire nation of fecal material, all that’s produced in the country. Under DFC this foul substance is treated legislatively as being only on loan to us. Not only are we charged a transport fee to be rid of the stuff, but under the new legislation we are billed a storage tax, depending on PPPP (pounds produced per person). DFC, after passage of the law, added an environmental tax that will be charged each US citizen by the amount of carbon dioxide each deposit produces. After all, she said, we can’t allow this crap to contribute to the melting of the polar ice caps. We thinking people wonder why the carbon dioxide available in the atmosphere (much due to the exhalations of respiring organisms – such as US!!) is absorbed by the oceans and is beneficial to them, while carbon dioxide outsourced by humans is detrimental!! This last, of course, causes untold damage to the environment. More further along in this highly sensitive report.)

Farmers, as could be predicted, are irate over charges attached to their tax bills for FFP (Farmland Fecal Production) by livestock. The FFP that excites the taxman most is CPP (Cow Patty Production). Again DFC saw an opportunity to beef up the coffers of the Treasury and penned in the infamous BCF (blasts of cow flatulence) rider, the rationale being that flatulence from milk cows causes major shifts in the ozone layer. Bull excrement (BS) is sent directly to DC and used injudiciously. For some reason bull gas is not considered a detriment to the environment, which, as you might expect has NOW mouths screeching for new legislation that gets their bovine sisters off the hook. Pellets dropped by sheep and goats are shipped UPS to Congress and passed around as jelly beans. Packagers of SGP (Sheep and Goat Pellets) say they have not yet received a single complaint. Little wonder.

Other maddening legislation emanating from the DFC administration is ARF (Air Rental Fee). Yes, the feds finally got around to claiming ownership of the air we breathe (after we had kidded about this for years – remember saying, Oh, they’ll get around to taxing the air we breathe, someday!! – well, guess what?) which, if you’ll remember, used to be free. After taking control of the air, the government concluded there was no use having it unless you taxed it (this sort of swerves into the LifeLock commercial where the security guard says he’s supposed to monitor bank robberies, not try to stop them, then a voice asks why monitor it, if you’re not going to fix it?) So the government, in its usually lax wisdom, says Hey, WTF, we got all this air, let’s charge ‘em for it!! But they shied from calling it a tax – too many taxes get politicians in trouble. Take water bills, for example, a tax pure and simple. But they aren’t referred to that way, are they? No, it’s just a water bill, not a water tax. Clever, huh?

I sit with pen poised to write a check for the privilege of breathing, and I wonder why the payee is DFC. The gubment is broke (or so it says) but it directs us to pay our RIB (Right to Breathe) fee to a person who should have been locked up years ago for treason. I feel I’m being hornswaggled. You and I both know that with DFC running the show, something stinks. Then it comes to me. We are being charged for both clean air and foul air, just what we should expect from a DFC administration, or any other administration, for that matter. There is no government administration that works for the people, only find ways to take what’s rightfully ours away from us, then ignore our protests.

I asked my wife to look over this piece, to see what she thought. She said it was brilliant as usual, but asked why all the abbreviations. I said I was referring to NCPs.

What are NCPs, she wanted to know.

NinComPoops, says I.