Building a Worthwhile Liberal

I was exploring the origins of political types when I happen to wander into the pits of Hell.

Well, come to think of it, I wasn’t quite to Hell just yet, but, judging by the heat, I knew I was close.

I stumbled into a large room. There were two human-like people there, one in a gown and sported a pair of wings and a halo. The other was all red and naked, had a long tail with a spear point at the end and a set of horns. The two were making plans to work on a project together.

“So what are we going to make,” asked the winged one.

“A humanoid political type, replied the one in red.

“Sounds interesting. Where do we start?”

“First, we fill these molds,” sweeping an arm to direct attention to several thousand more or less human-shaped molds scattered throughout the room, “with this mixture of sludge and muck‒ dare we call it schmuck, for short‒and allow it to harden. This, of course, is the concoction for building Liberal types.”

“The mixture is different for Conservatives?”

“Oh, gosh yes. For the Conservative political type, we will use a much more refined, but as yet undetermined, mold full of muck.”

“But where do we find more refined political muck?’

“Don’t forget, we are in the early stages of our experiment. There will be mistakes. It’s best to make all our mistakes with Liberals. Then when we get to making Conservatives, we’ll have worked out all the kinks, and have a blueprint for fine, upstanding human beings. Worthwhile people.”

“Liberals aren’t worthwhile?”

“Nah, not by a long shot. So far we just have prototypes with a half a brain. They really shouldn’t have any legitimate standing in the human community. But crap happens. Look, you can’t realistically expect us to get it right the first time. Maybe after cooking up a few more batches of schmuck, we’ll get the hang of it.” He said this while pouring a large chunk of schmuck into a mold, lowering the lid, and turning up the heat. 

“Whoa, boy, does that stuff stink,” waving her hand in front of her nose.

“Yep, that’s liberals for you. A smelly bunch.”

“Will these Liberals talk and think?”

“Oh, boy, will they ever talk. Yak, yak, yakety yak, all the time.  Mouths going a mile a minute. Never shutting up, especially if one feels he’s been offended, then they all chime in to protect the damned fool. Thing is, for the most part, they’ll make no sense.”

“That’s strange, human-types are usually pretty smart.”

“Not so with Liberals. Brains are a scant commodity in Liberalville. Ones with brains are hugely rare and highly regarded because of their rareness.”

“Can you name a highly regarded Liberal?”

“I can’t, no. But if you ask Liberals, they’ll name some, I’m sure. For instance, Liberals think Barack Obama is the cat’s ass, as well as Slick Willie Clinton and his wife, Nutty Nancy, and Cherokee Elizabeth Warren.”

“Conservatives don’t believe these are worthwhile people?’

“Let’s just say Conservatives think we’d all be better off if they weren’t around.”

“You were saying Liberals don’t think very well. Don’t you think they will be upset about that and demand more brains?”

“Hell, these fools think they have all the brains, now. They criticize Conservatives no end for being stupid. Hillary called Conservatives despicable, when it is Liberals that are despicable because of their total disregard for the truth, and the lies they spread about other people.”
“If these are the prototypes of Liberals, how is it we have such horrible examples of liberalism already?”

“There is batch of early protoLiberals out there. We didn’t do anything right with that bunch. The group includes all the usual suspects‒Dingy Harry Reid, HRC, Nutty Nancy, Cherokee Liz, Chucky Shumer. And, of course, BHO. The project nearly fell apart when he came along. The Boss was tempted to move up the Second Coming and smite the Liberal population. But, being the good guy that he is, he relented. Conservatives howled, sure the Boss left them here to irritate the hell out of decent people, making them more suitable for Heaven.”

“Tell me. What went wrong with the early prototypes and is likely to go wrong with this bunch we’re cooking up, now?”

“Well, to make a really good human political type you need lots of really good glue. One of the problems we had was that the glue we received was substandard. We didn’t know this and went and made quite a number of substandard Liberal political types‒Nutty Nancy, Dingy Harry, HRC, to name a few‒all of whom became unglued at one time or another. It was an ugly thing for regular Liberals to see their political leaders lose their freaking minds.”

“Doesn’t that ever happen to Conservatives?”

“Never!”

“What else can happen to Liberals to cause them to lose their sloppily designed minds?”

“Many things, actually, but the most important thing is that we were so anxious to release our invention, we got into too much of a hurry and released them too soon.”

“What on earth happened?”

“We were using apprentice mechanics, to save some money, and, of course, come Friday afternoons and Monday mornings, we weren’t seeing their best work.”

“Oh, yes, the long weekend syndrome.”

“Exactly. Those little devils got in a hurry and released onto the world massive numbers of Liberals with loose screws. Some had light bulbs in their heads that flickered out. And there were those walking around strumming their lips and making goo-goo sounds. Somehow there were an inordinate number of these who got spots on cable television.