Monday, May 2, 2016

Candidate Voss Clears the Air

I’ve been working very hard to construct worthy planks for my presidential campaign.
By “worthy” I mean I want to forward to the voters an array of workable plans for the future of the country.
For instance, I’ve noticed that this guy Obama talks incessantly about how well the economy is doing. But he doesn’t mention the 95 million Americans out of work or that more than 50 percent of Americans are collecting food stamps. BO’s minions insist the unemployment rate is a mere 5 percent, when in reality – counting the people who no longer are eligible for unemployment checks and have stopped frequenting unemployment agencies looking for work – the real number in somewhere in the 18 – 20 percent range.
Another major issue that is fast coming to a head is gun control. There is no question in the minds of right-thinking people that gun confiscation is a Nazi idea. Let’s call it what it is – democrats frequently refer to conservatives as Nazis, but it is not us who practice Nazi principles, now is it?
Another issue that BO’s troglodytes have lied about is the supposed policy of ending the Bush-era practice of raiding medical marijuana distributors. The Justice Dept. said from the beginning that raids would not occur at dispensaries in violation of federal law as long as they were in compliance with state regulations. (My interest in this is that I have it on good authority that marijuana in its various forms can cure quite a number of cancers.)  However, the JD has engineered in excess of 100 raids on pot dispensaries (mostly in California) that are in full compliance with state law. In addition,  there have been nearly 200 Nazi-like, SWAT-team style incursions on dispensaries in nine states with medical marijuana laws on the books. If I am elected I will immediately use my executive privilege to prevent further violations of the laws of sovereign states. I would tell the federal government to butt out, this is a state issue. (Damn, I sound good when I get tough, don’t I?)
The BO administration is still wrangling around the “climate change” issue (better known as Global Warming), trying to sidestep the Supreme Court ruling that said the government should back off – the EPA has exceeded its authority.  What SCOTUS should have said, but didn’t, is there is no such thing as man-made Global Warming. – there hasn’t been GW of any type in like 18 years. Instead the Global-Warming liars came out with a man-made study stating 2014 was the warmest year in history. (Apparently, it was by all of two/ 100ths of a degree, hardly measurable.) But the same year also saw record ice, record snow and record cold. Polar bears were thriving, although the GW liars swore they had all but disappeared.  Moose in Minnesota made a comeback after experiencing a big drop that the liars blamed on GW. Turned out it was wolves that killed the moose. Wolves were removed from the Endangered Species list and found themselves the object of a hunting season. GW is a ruse by the government and environmentalists to extract more tax money from the American taxpayer. Some of you are maybe old enough to remember it was the same bunch of wackos who called for an ice age back in the 70s. It didn’t work, so they came up with the GW hoax. But beware of Bill Nye the Science Guy. This jerk-off has been gone so long he needs an issue to get back in the public eye. He’s yelling loud and clear that he thinks all Climate Change deniers should be locked in jail. Yep. But when I’m elected president I will sign an executive order calling for jailing all jerk-offs.
(Boy, if that don’t get me elected, there’s no hope for me.)
There are of course very many other issues we can talk about as time passes.  I’ve looked over each of those above and have my own ideas of myriad others. The country is in such an awful mess. But there’s one thing I know – after eight years of this crap, I know exactly what not to do

Monday, April 25, 2016

Candidate Voss Out Hustling Votes

I was sitting having an adult beverage with my old friend Cornelia Nutsky, an old ditsy, liberal chick affectionately named Cornnut. As she does every couple of years Cornnut bothers herself over the upcoming elections.
“I fret that I cannot decide for whom to cast my precious vote in the November races, Newshawk. It’s so freaking flabbergasting.”
“Do you mean you’re actually concerned about the issues this time around, Corny, since you and your kind so expertly put that communist in the White House for two terms?” I asked. Cornnut was one of a crowd of women voters with no sense of the issues and uses the same philosophy to elect state and national leaders as she does picking winners at the racetrack: If the name of the horse sounds good – sexy, glamorous – she bets on it; that failing to bring a win, place or show, the colors of the rider’s stable would have to do.
“Oh, heavens, no, nothing so boring as that business of the issues. I can’t decide on a favorite color for this election cycle.” Like I said, Cornnut is definitely one of those we serious voters wish would stay home on election night.
“You and half the women in the country act as though you’re picking furniture for the living room, rather than representatives to lead the country – if that’s what they’re doing these days. If you’re disgusted with black, vote white, whatever fits your color scheme.”
“Well,” she said thoughtfully twirling a curl hanging near her ear around her finger as she spoke, “black and white are opposite colors. Do you think they are opposite in the administration of their affairs?”
“No, they’re similar, but they won’t fall into your color scheme. The color in vogue for state and national politicians anymore is pink trending to red.”
This produced a rumple to form across Corny’s brow. Politics always confuses her so.
“Are you implying that Barack Obama, our wonderful president, is pink, Newshawk?” a thoroughly disgusted look on her face.
“No, of course not. Barack Obama is red, through and through. And if you think the man is so wonderful, this wonderful man people like you voted for twice, explain why he’s trying so hard to bring illegal invaders into the country, many of whom have serious diseases.”
“Oh, foof. He’s doing no such thing.”
“Obama, who dreams of the moment guns can be confiscated from law-abiding citizen?”
“Oh, Newshawk, you really don’t believe those lies, do you? You just don’t like him because he’s black.”
“And that’s why you do like him?”
“Well, if I vote for a white candidate, my friends will think I’m racist. It’s just not done!”
“What if there was, say, a yellow person running for office. Would you vote for him or her?”
“That’s a ridiculous question. There are no Asians running in this election.”
“Why did you automatically think of Asian people when I said yellow. I’ve never seen a yellow Asian.”
“Well, I …”
“And I’ve never seen a red Indian, nor have I seen very many black black persons; most Negroes are a shade of brown. As a matter of fact most Indians are brown, as are most Latinos. Odd how the darker your skin is the less people think of you, white folks spend beaucoup bucks every year to tan into a darker color, and many have a bias against the skin color they strive to acquire. ”
“I guess that prejudice is why we ladies feel sorry for black people and feel we must vote for them whenever the opportunity arises,” she said with an I told you so smirk.
“You won’t have a black person to vote for in this election, Corny. But you’ll have your chance to vote for a woman.”
“Oh, my yes. That will be thrilling.”
“And you’ll vote for her, of course, even though she’s the worst possible candidate. Right?”
“Of course.”
“How about me? I’m a candidate. Would you vote for me?”

“Oh, foof. Vote for a pasty old white man? I should say not. My friends would laugh themselves silly. White is not a favored color in our set, Newshawk, and certainly not white men.”

Monday, April 18, 2016

Voss Declares for the Presidency

                  

      I’m a president watcher. I think the most powerful man in the free world needs to be watched, some more closely than others. It’s pretty obvious why this is so.
I wasn’t always a president watcher. It began during Watergate and all the sneaky stuff that went on there. All those people being subpoenaed to testify before Congress, Bob Woodworth’s reports on Deep Throat. Nixon claiming, with his jowls quaking vigorously, “I’m not a crook!” No, but he was a liar. Anyway, after that I became interested in watching presidents. There have been some who bore a lot of watching and there were those who didn’t, but mostly there were more of the former.
I think a president’s philosophy of governance has a lot to with how close an eye needs to be kept on them. Ronald Reagan, except for letting Ollie North get him into trouble over that Iran-Contra business, played the job pretty straight, and the only ones that worried about him were the Democrats, who were up against it with concern over how bad he was going to make them look. Ronaldus Magmus, a laissez-faire kind of guy, famously said, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” That’s a fair-to-middlin’ philosophy. Other presidents should have tried it, but most couldn’t keep their hands off things.
For example, John Kennedy once said, “If there ain’t too much wrong with her, give her my phone number. If you’re not sure about her, give her Bobby’s number.” I’m told it was a philosophy apropos to the Kennedy boys.
Eisenhower had an interesting philosophy, one that may have worked well for most of the presidents. As you know, there were few pastimes Ike enjoyed more than a round of golf (like most presidents). He said, “If it works all right, score it par; if it’s broke, leave a note on my golf bag, I’ll get back to you.” Consequently, the years of the Eisenhower presidency were really good years. Happy times.
LBJ had a more aggressive outlook on the political landscape. LBJ said, “If he’s breathin’, ship him to Viet Nam; if he gets killed, don’t tell anybody. (There was quite a lot of combat-figure fudging during the war. Gen. William Westmoreland, commander of U.S. military forces in Viet Nam, frequently under-reported casualties at the conclusion of a battle.)
Which brings us to Richard “Tricky Dicky” Nixon, whose exploits first coaxed me into becoming a president watcher. Watergate was the first political event that prompted my interest in watching the news in the evening. I couldn’t get enough of the corruption. It was wonderful stuff. Anyway, back to Tricky Dick’s presidential philosophy. Tricky Dick said, his declaration accompanied by his characteristic hunched-up shoulders, head shaking, I’m-really-an-honest-man look in his eyes, “Let me say this about that! I solemnly assure you that if it’s broke, this administration had no prior knowledge of it. I’M NOT A CROOK! I’M NOT A CROOK!” He wasn’t a very good liar either.
I can’t say whether Gerald Ford had a philosophy. If so, I don’t know what it would have been.
Jimmy Carter did though. Jimmy did a lot of foolish meddling, which nearly put the country under. Some of you will remember the Misery Index, an economic indicator arrived at by adding the unemployment rate to the inflation rate. When Carter left office in 1981, the M.I. was just under 20, the highest of any post-WWII president This is, of course, where it stood when Ronald Reagan took over. When he left in 1989, the M.I. stood at just less than ten. Under Carter, inflation was high, unemployment was high, taxes were high, gasoline was scarce – and expensive. Everything the man touched was bad for the rest of us. His philosophy? “If it ain’t broke, tax it. I need the money. If it is broke, tax it. I need the money. Hell, just send the money!”
George 41 may not have had a philosophy when he first went to the White House, but I’ll wager he came up with one before he left. Remember, “Read my lips, no new taxes?” Then he raised our taxes. And was voted out of office in the next election. I would bet that whatever words were used to voice George 41’s philosophy, it had something in it about not lying about raising taxes. Wouldn’t you think?
Then there was Slick Willy Clinton – and he’s still hanging around out there, hoping his gal pal can con her way into the White House. Willy’s philosophy is predictable: “Remember the mantra, y’all, ‘I did not have sex with that woman.’” And, “It depends on what “is” is.” The philosophy? It is what it is. But what is it? He better hope the next female thing he plays “is” with doesn’t turn him in. I wonder, Does Hillary play “is” with anybody?
 W was under fire about his insistence there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq or Syria or some other place. Liberals have always claimed there were no WMDs; W simply needed a reason to go to Iraq to nail Saddam Hussein, they claimed. I’ll go to my grave believing I heard a news report in the early days of Desert Storm that stated American troops found the WMDs in Syria. I heard the report only once, never again. But I know what I heard. Someone was lying about there not being any such weapons. W’s philosophy? Never believe anything you hear, especially if its reported on NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN or MSNBC. Period.
And then there’s BO. Other than the destruction of our country, BO has no philosophy. He needs something to hang his hat on.  It might go something like: “The right thing? – I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re talking about.”
At this time I’d like to announce my candidacy for President of the United States!
One thing you can count on is I can’t possibly do any worse than the past four presidents-it just isn’t possible. The condition of the country, compared to the 50s or the 80s, is a crime. Anybody with his head screwed on even loosely must recognize the destruction liberalism has caused. Under my Administration there will be no liberalism. (READ MY LIPS – NO LIBERALS ALLOWED) Every liberal will be sent swimming back to Europe with a Socialist under each arm. Our motto: Let’s get together you and us, and kick liberalism under the bus. Rah! Rah!


                       VOTE FOR VOSS APRIL 19. Etc. Etc. Etc.


Tuesday, April 5, 2016

So Long to a Feisty Nun

It is impressive the number of woman who have gained prominence in this so-called world of men. Women complain they are not paid as much as men for doing similar work, but, truth be known, it is women who have most of the jobs anymore.
Look around. There are more women in politics, more women in education, more women in television (it’s seldom to see a male news commentator anymore), more women in movies (and in roles where, in my opinion, they don’t belong – their presence weakens the plot), more women in medicine, and on and on.
The should-be jailbird Hillary Clinton is the darling of the Democrat Party. There are many women who have been elected to lead their countries around the world, i.e., Angela Merkel of Germany. There is no more famous television personality than Oprah. Dolly Parton is still one of Country’s leading stars. JK Rowling is one of the most successful authors in the history of publishing. Meg Whitman is still one of the most powerful business women on the globe. And there are currently three women on the U.S. Supreme Court. Then there are those who were dragged along on their husband’s shirttails to some degree of fame – Michelle Obama, Melinda Gates and, of course, the ubiquitous Hillary Clinton. There are, of course, many more prominent women.
You may recognize the names of most of the achievers; there are some you may not, but there is one very accomplished woman I would wager most of you never hear of. I say this because she (very fittingly) died on Easter Sunday and, as often as she has been the subject of conversation since, I have not met a non-Catholic who knew who she was. Mother Mary Angelica.
Mother Angelica of the Annunciation was a Franciscan nun who founded the Eternal Word Television Network (EWTN) and a Catholic radio network (WEWN) with the goal of transmitting the words of the church the world over. She accomplished her goal in spades.
Mother Angelica was a tough cookie, as many who opposed her efforts found. Along the way she was intercepted by a gang of American Catholic bishops and cardinals who were pressuring her for time on EWTN in order to spread their “gospel” of liberalism to her watchers. She would have none of it. When they asked what she could do stop them from usurping her control of the network, she said, “I own the network.” When the bishops replied that she would not be around forever, she replied, “Then I’ll blow the whole damned place up before turning it over to you.” Mother wanted her listeners to hear the truth; she would stand for nothing less.
An accident when in her twenties caused a serious injury to her back, which left her in pain and wearing braces on her legs until she died at age 92. But she was too strong and willful to succumb to her suffering – she had things to do and nothing would stop her from doing the Lord’s work. From making and selling fishing lures to earn traveling money from Cleveland, OH, to Irondale, AL, to overseeing the construction of a monastery in Irondale and later the Shrine of the Most Blessed Sacrament in Hanceville, AL, she never lost sight of her dream. From the early 1980s until giving over her CEO’s responsibilities to trustworthy lay personnel in 2000 Mother Angelica was one of the most influential women in the Catholic Church, not an easy task for a nun, who usually are not counted among the hierarchy of the church. In 2009, Pope Benedict XVI awarded Mother Angelica the Pro Ecclesia et Pontifice, the highest award available to someone other than a priest.
EWTN 

Monday, March 28, 2016

Government is Just as it Seems

The year is 2023 and DFC (dreaded female Clinton) has been BIC (bitch in chief) for seven years. The times are bleak. We citizens are being put upon in every way possible. The government owns everything and is taxing it.
For instance, the government has taken over PP (poop production in all aspects) as mandated under Senate Bill SSL (Sewage Supervision Legislation – passed under threat of veto by DFC), which, if you’ll pardon the french, stinks to high hell.
The bastards have assumed ownership of an entire nation of fecal material, all that’s produced in the country. Under DFC this foul substance is treated legislatively as being only on loan to us. Not only are we charged a transport fee to be rid of the stuff, but under the new legislation we are billed a storage tax, depending on PPPP (pounds produced per person). DFC, after passage of the law, added an environmental tax that will be charged each US citizen by the amount of carbon dioxide each deposit produces. After all, she said, we can’t allow this crap to contribute to the melting of the polar ice caps. We thinking people wonder why the carbon dioxide available in the atmosphere (much due to the exhalations of respiring organisms – such as US!!) is absorbed by the oceans and is beneficial to them, while carbon dioxide outsourced by humans is detrimental!! This last, of course, causes untold damage to the environment. More further along in this highly sensitive report.)
Farmers, as could be predicted, are irate over charges attached to their tax bills for FFP (Farmland Fecal Production) by livestock. The FFP that excites the taxman most is CPP (Cow Patty Production). Again DFC saw an opportunity to beef up the coffers of the Treasury and penned in the infamous BCF (blasts of cow flatulence) rider, the rationale being that flatulence from milk cows causes major shifts in the ozone layer. Bull excrement (BS) is sent directly to DC and used injudiciously. For some reason bull gas is not considered a detriment to the environment, which, as you might expect has NOW mouths screeching for new legislation that gets their bovine sisters off the hook. Pellets dropped by sheep and goats are shipped UPS to Congress and passed around as jelly beans. Packagers of SGP (Sheep and Goat Pellets) say they have not yet received a single complaint. Little wonder.
Other maddening legislation emanating from the DFC administration is ARF (Air Rental Fee). Yes, the feds finally got around to claiming ownership of the air we breathe (after we had kidded about this for years – remember saying, Oh, they’ll get around to taxing the air we breathe, someday!! – well, guess what?) which, if you’ll remember, used to be free. After taking control of the air, the government concluded there was no use having it unless you taxed it (this sort of swerves into the LifeLock commercial where the security guard says he’s supposed to monitor bank robberies, not try to stop them, then a voice asks why monitor it, if you’re not going to fix it?) So the government, in its usually lax wisdom, says Hey, WTF, we got all this air, let’s charge ‘em for it!! But they shied from calling it a tax – too many taxes get politicians in trouble. Take water bills, for example, a tax pure and simple. But they aren’t referred to that way, are they? No, it’s just a water bill, not a water tax. Clever, huh?
I sit with pen poised to write a check for the privilege of breathing, and I wonder why the payee is DFC. The gubment is broke (or so it says) but it directs us to pay our RIB (Right to Breathe) fee to a person who should have been locked up years ago for treason. I feel I’m being hornswaggled. You and I both know that with DFC running the show, something stinks. Then it comes to me. We are being charged for both clean air and foul air, just what we should expect from a DFC administration, or any other administration, for that matter. There is no government administration that works for the people, only find ways to take what’s rightfully ours away from us, then ignore our protests.
I asked my wife to look over this piece, to see what she thought. She said it was brilliant as usual, but asked why all the abbreviations. I said I was referring to NCPs.
What are NCPs, she wanted to know.
NinComPoops, says I.

Monday, March 21, 2016

We Should All Be Immigrants

Most Americans – realAmericans, that is (no, that’s not a typo) – would agree that we are an extremely fortunate group of people. The country we live in, indeed, the country our Founding Fathers created for us, is the best there ever was. No realAmerican would argue with that.
However, there are those, many of who run the current version of the government, that would not agree with such a notion. They are adamantly opposed to any opinion that puts the idea of a free society in a glowing light. These “socialists” believe that we the people do not deserve the benefits of a free and prosperous America. So they set out to destroy it. They need to be exposed and disposed of.
And the time may be coming. BO seems intent on spoiling chances for the re-election of Democrats in November. Many are already announcing their opposition to the floods of illegals jumping the border, and decry the secrecy of the event ordered by the regime. It’s typical Democrat underhandedness in dealing with the American people. You can bet that, in a couple of years, they will be changing their tune, to announce how they favored the sneaky immigration of thousands of illegals, all along. “Don’t worry,” they’ll say, “ we had your back, all along. Now, get out and vote for a Democrat.” The best thing Congress can do, when, hopefully, Republicans win the Senate this year, is to pass a law requiring citizenship and five-years of residency before new immigrants can vote. That, at least, would be a law with which most of us would agree.
I got real curious about the immigration business and looked up a couple of unregistered Democrats about what drove them to enter our country illegally. It went something like this:
“So, Pedro, you are re-wading the Rio Grande and returning to the land of your birth,” says I.
“Si, Senor Newshawk, I waded across the reever to come here to find a new life. I wanted to find a good job, so I can support my family in Me-he-co.”
“Did you consider you might be taking away a job from an American worker?”
“Oh, hell, no. It’s dog-eat-dog out there, man.”
“And were you planning to pay taxes on the money you earned by taking a job from an American worker, who would have to pay taxes to the IRS?”
“Not if I could help it, no sir.”
“So what makes you want to return to Mexico?” I asked as if I didn’t already know.
“There are no jobs, senor, almost everyday the government says the unemployment rate is going down, and more jobs have opened up, but no matter where I look, there are no jobs. Your presidente, Senor BO, ees always yammering about creating jobs. I theenk  BO tells lies, Senor Newshawk.”
“You won’t get any argument from me, Pedro. But you, Alberto,” acknowledging Pedro’s compatriot, “have decided to stay in the country. How come?”
“Oh, senor, America is a wonderful place to live.”
“Why do you think so, while Pedro can’t wait to get out of here?”
“The first place I go is the unemployment office, see, and a fat lady in an office tells me they have no jobs. But, she says the government will be glad to pay me for doing nothing, so she writes me a check. And says they will send me one just like it every month. The check is large enough to buy clothes, pay rent, and buy food, but the fat lady says I don’t have to spend any of the money she just gave me on food, and hands me a pile of food stamps and says I’ll be getting more every month.”
“Unbelievable, ain’t it?” I observed.
“I asked the fat lady what I had to do to earn the money …”
“And she said, ‘Nothing’, right?”
“Si, nada. I thank the fat lady and start to leave her office, but she says, Here, don’t forget your new cell phone. The government pays for that, too.”
“Gracias, I say. Then she says, ‘Don’t forget to vote for Democrats in the upcoming elections. Republicans are too hoity-toity to pay for this crap.’”
“I tell her I’m not registered to vote in America. And she says not to worry, I can sign up at Burger King. I say I have no I.D. She says, no need, give them your name or a phony name, they’ll never know the difference. That’s how friendly we Democrats are. Very trusting. And the bottom line is, she said, Democrats aren’t picky who votes for them, and I shouldn’t be either. And, oh, by the way, says the fat lady, healthcare for you and your entire family is free. The American taxpayer will take care of the whole thing. We are a very generous people.
“And senor, you wonder why I want to stay here?”
“No, not really, what’s one more freeloader?”

“Man, oh, man,” whoops Alberto, “What a country! Everything free, while I sit around on my skinny immigrant ass.”

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

America the Arming Camp

I was sitting on my front porch minding my own business when a man with a handlebar moustache and a pistol buckled around his waist walks up.
“Who’re you?” asks I.
“Name’s Armo Bandolero. I’m here checkling out the Arming Camp.”
“Army Camp? There’s no army camp around here.”
“No, Senor Newshawk, I say Arming Camp.”
“I don’t think I understand what you’re talking about,” I said.
“The U.S. is becoming an arming camp.  So many people are buying guns. Did you realize there are 13 million people in the U.S. with concealed carry permits?”
“You don’t say!”
“But I do! Americans are arming themselves against criminals and terrorists.”
“That’s a good idea, I think. And Mexicans, too. We could do with a few less Mexicans.”
“Perhaps, Senor,” but he didn’t like me saying it. “It seems as though we are returning to the days of the Old West – everybody carrying a gun to protect themselves. Some didn’t carry a gun, of course - said they didn’t believe in them - but a lot of them ended up dead. Can you imagine a guy in, say, Dodge City, Kansas, in the 1880s who said he didn’t believe in guns? Yippee-chay-aa, bang, bang.”
“Yessir, reckon that’s what would happen, all right. Bang. Bang. You’re dead. Right, Senor Bandolero?”
“Si.
“That’s a good reason to have guns confiscated, one would think. Not that I think that way. It’s the way people in blue states and in Washington think.”
“Si, but you know, Senor Newshawk, there are many people in law enforcement who are publicly asking off-duty policemen and people with concealed carry permits to carry their weapons at all times. There are many instances in which a person with a gun has saved the life of the victim of a crime.”
“Now there’s a request I didn’t see coming. It really is becoming an Arming Camp, isn’t it? You know, I’ve heard that the government plans to take away food stamps someday soon, and there will be thieves prowling the streets intending to break into people’s homes and steal their food. Boy, are they going to be in for a surprise! Huh?”
“Si. Pow! Pow!” drawing his pistol and twirling it on a finger, playing cowboy. “Take that, food thief! We should hang food thieves, like they hanged horse thieves in the Old West.”
“Yeah, and car thieves, too, and pickpockets. We could have a necktie party every Friday at noon. None of this crap where those on death row get to hang around at our expense and exhaust one appeal after another for 25 years. You kill somebody on Monday, you hang Friday at noon.”
“Wow. Yeah. Think of the savings of taxpayer money! What a great idea!” says Bandalero.
“You know, with all the great ideas we conservatives have for cleaning up the criminal element in the U.S., why are Liberals so opposed to us owning guns?”

“Oh, ho, that’s an easy one, Senor Newshawk. They’re afraid we’ll get tired of their crap and start using them for target practice.”

The Flip Side