I had planned to pen something about Memorial Day, but when I looked around I saw so much already written about it I decided to write about something a little different. How about the underside of America, where our country might be heading? Or is it already there?
A pack of rats sitting, chewing the cheese on the Crapitol dome.
“Oh, rat, it feels just like home here, all the rats around,” said Harry Rat, grasping a piece of donor “cheese.”
“There’s so many rats of different stripes around anymore,” exclaimed Steny Ray.
“Any so many who need to be in stripes,” said Lizzy from Massachusetts.
“Yeah, all the two-leggers coming to town really expanded the population. The Crapitol is chock right full of rats, depending on how you look at it,” says Harry.
“Did you know – it was in the Rat Hole Post the other day – there are now more politicians than rats?” asked Nancy Rat “And do you know how to tell them apart?”
“Uh, uh,” says Harry waggling his head back and forth.
“There are some things a rat won’t do for money.”
“Don’t you compare me to a politician!” roared Harry. “I won’t stand for it!”
“Hey, hey, take it easy, Harry!” said High-minded Hillary, lifting a placating paw to calm him. “You have a senator for a pet, don’t you?”
“Well, yeah, she’s just about completed her training program, too.”
“Oh, yeah, what are you teaching her to do?”
“I-I don’t know if I should say. It might be construed as politically incorrect. Even we must be careful these days.”
“Oh, pooh on politically incorrect. That’s for when two-legged rats are caught lying by conservatives and they need a way out of the lie. Come on, tell us. What have you been teaching your senator?” her eyes gleaming with interest.
Harry, looking shy, says, “Every time I nibble her ear before sending her to work, she brings me back a piece of pork. It’s like a sexual thing, you know? I nibble, I get a piece.”
“I had a senator for a pet once,” said another. “Worse thing I ever did.”
“What happened? I ‘ve been planned on going to the pet store and adopting one,” said Nancy.
“Don’t bother. The damned thing crapped all over the place, drooled all the time and lied through its teeth, explained the former senator owner.
“Rats can be vicious when protecting their territory,” said Nancy. “That’s another difference between rats and politicians. Politicians won’t even defend their country. I also read where there is quite a number of animal species becoming extinct, except of course politicians, environmentalists, rats and, oh yeah, cockroaches.”
“Wa-a-ait a minute, sister, don’t you dare put us rats in the same category as politicians and, especially, them damned environmentalists. You hear me?” yelled Harry Rat, waggling a finger in her face. “I won’t stand for it!” stamping his foot and glaring at Nancy Rat.
“How about cockroaches, Harry? You forgot to mention the cockroaches,” said Steny, with a teasing smile.
“Heck, I don’t mind cockroaches. It’s them damned politicians and low-life environmentalists we could all do without.”
A half dozen or so rats walked over and greeted them all. The new group was better-dressed and generally appeared more affluent than the others, a fact that did not go unnoticed.
“Hey, fellas and girly rats, what’s up?” asked Roger Rat, one of the well-to-do.
“Ok-a-ay” answered Steny. “You guys are looking mighty fine. You find a new job, Natty Ratty?” directing his question to one of the others.
“Oh, yeah, yeah, took a position with Media Matters.”
“So you joined the two-legged cockroaches, huh? And you, Barney?”
“Since when do self respecting rats join up with the likes of that bunch?”
“Bunch of what?” Juan Rat wanted to know.
“Bunch of low-life critters that’ll lie, cheat and steal to get the Clinton woman and others elected. It’s pretty obvious she knows she can’t be elected on the up and up.”
“What makes you say such a thing?” asked Clementine.
“Well, for one thing, they helped get BO elected twice. He should never have been president even once. He’s a real estate agent at heart.”
“Whachu mean by that?” she asked, eyes narrow slits.
“All he needs is a For Sale sign on his back,” said Harry.
“Well, what about his war on drugs?” she asked.
“He has one? I didn’t know.”
“He says he wants to get drugs off the streets.”
“One line at a time, perhaps? Didn’t know there was any less of it on the streets, it being an election year and all. And I certainly don’t like that he was always looking to raise taxes,” states Steny. “Pretty soon he’ll be taxing everyone, even rats, for their thoughts.”
“That wouldn’t bother him,” says Harry. “He wouldn’t owe anything.”
“You think he’s dumb?” asked Clementine?
“Oh, no, not really. But you know what I heard the other day?”
“No, but I’ll bet you’re going to tell me.”
“A friend of mine, Fievel, said he was lurking about near where Boss BO and Debbie Wassermann Schultz, you know, the blonde ditz, were chatting on the Crapitol lawn. They’re standing close together, there was a slight breeze blowing. Fieval swears he heard ocean noises coming through Boss BO’s ears. Ha, ha, ha!” roared Harry, all the initial crowd joining in.
“Oh, ha, ha,” blurted Clementine sarcastically.
“Listen, Clem,” Nancy put in, “if he’s not dumb, why is it so important for Media Matters, MSNBC and all the rest to make conservatives seem dumb, so he’d appear smart? He was trying to dumb everyone down to his level.”
“Yeah, all most of us know is there’s a village somewhere in Kenya missing an idiot,” said Harry, with a toothy smile on his face.
“Look at his wonderful economic plan,” chirped Clementine
“Yep, completely fact free. A model of Boss BO wizardry.
“How about all the good things he’s done for the country. Things were really bad and he fixed them!”
“Yeah, Boss BO, the mechanic. If it ain’t broke, Boss BO will fix it until it is.”
And Hillary has promised to follow in the great man’s footsteps. Time to move to another country – but which one?
As your next President I will make it a priority of my administration to make it comfy for you to stay in America. (But I will need your money of course. After all, I am a politician –albeit a human one.)