Monday, April 25, 2016

Candidate Voss Out Hustling Votes

I was sitting having an adult beverage with my old friend Cornelia Nutsky, an old ditsy, liberal chick affectionately named Cornnut. As she does every couple of years Cornnut bothers herself over the upcoming elections.
“I fret that I cannot decide for whom to cast my precious vote in the November races, Newshawk. It’s so freaking flabbergasting.”
“Do you mean you’re actually concerned about the issues this time around, Corny, since you and your kind so expertly put that communist in the White House for two terms?” I asked. Cornnut was one of a crowd of women voters with no sense of the issues and uses the same philosophy to elect state and national leaders as she does picking winners at the racetrack: If the name of the horse sounds good – sexy, glamorous – she bets on it; that failing to bring a win, place or show, the colors of the rider’s stable would have to do.
“Oh, heavens, no, nothing so boring as that business of the issues. I can’t decide on a favorite color for this election cycle.” Like I said, Cornnut is definitely one of those we serious voters wish would stay home on election night.
“You and half the women in the country act as though you’re picking furniture for the living room, rather than representatives to lead the country – if that’s what they’re doing these days. If you’re disgusted with black, vote white, whatever fits your color scheme.”
“Well,” she said thoughtfully twirling a curl hanging near her ear around her finger as she spoke, “black and white are opposite colors. Do you think they are opposite in the administration of their affairs?”
“No, they’re similar, but they won’t fall into your color scheme. The color in vogue for state and national politicians anymore is pink trending to red.”
This produced a rumple to form across Corny’s brow. Politics always confuses her so.
“Are you implying that Barack Obama, our wonderful president, is pink, Newshawk?” a thoroughly disgusted look on her face.
“No, of course not. Barack Obama is red, through and through. And if you think the man is so wonderful, this wonderful man people like you voted for twice, explain why he’s trying so hard to bring illegal invaders into the country, many of whom have serious diseases.”
“Oh, foof. He’s doing no such thing.”
“Obama, who dreams of the moment guns can be confiscated from law-abiding citizen?”
“Oh, Newshawk, you really don’t believe those lies, do you? You just don’t like him because he’s black.”
“And that’s why you do like him?”
“Well, if I vote for a white candidate, my friends will think I’m racist. It’s just not done!”
“What if there was, say, a yellow person running for office. Would you vote for him or her?”
“That’s a ridiculous question. There are no Asians running in this election.”
“Why did you automatically think of Asian people when I said yellow. I’ve never seen a yellow Asian.”
“Well, I …”
“And I’ve never seen a red Indian, nor have I seen very many black black persons; most Negroes are a shade of brown. As a matter of fact most Indians are brown, as are most Latinos. Odd how the darker your skin is the less people think of you, white folks spend beaucoup bucks every year to tan into a darker color, and many have a bias against the skin color they strive to acquire. ”
“I guess that prejudice is why we ladies feel sorry for black people and feel we must vote for them whenever the opportunity arises,” she said with an I told you so smirk.
“You won’t have a black person to vote for in this election, Corny. But you’ll have your chance to vote for a woman.”
“Oh, my yes. That will be thrilling.”
“And you’ll vote for her, of course, even though she’s the worst possible candidate. Right?”
“Of course.”
“How about me? I’m a candidate. Would you vote for me?”

“Oh, foof. Vote for a pasty old white man? I should say not. My friends would laugh themselves silly. White is not a favored color in our set, Newshawk, and certainly not white men.”

Monday, April 18, 2016

Voss Declares for the Presidency


      I’m a president watcher. I think the most powerful man in the free world needs to be watched, some more closely than others. It’s pretty obvious why this is so.
I wasn’t always a president watcher. It began during Watergate and all the sneaky stuff that went on there. All those people being subpoenaed to testify before Congress, Bob Woodworth’s reports on Deep Throat. Nixon claiming, with his jowls quaking vigorously, “I’m not a crook!” No, but he was a liar. Anyway, after that I became interested in watching presidents. There have been some who bore a lot of watching and there were those who didn’t, but mostly there were more of the former.
I think a president’s philosophy of governance has a lot to with how close an eye needs to be kept on them. Ronald Reagan, except for letting Ollie North get him into trouble over that Iran-Contra business, played the job pretty straight, and the only ones that worried about him were the Democrats, who were up against it with concern over how bad he was going to make them look. Ronaldus Magmus, a laissez-faire kind of guy, famously said, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” That’s a fair-to-middlin’ philosophy. Other presidents should have tried it, but most couldn’t keep their hands off things.
For example, John Kennedy once said, “If there ain’t too much wrong with her, give her my phone number. If you’re not sure about her, give her Bobby’s number.” I’m told it was a philosophy apropos to the Kennedy boys.
Eisenhower had an interesting philosophy, one that may have worked well for most of the presidents. As you know, there were few pastimes Ike enjoyed more than a round of golf (like most presidents). He said, “If it works all right, score it par; if it’s broke, leave a note on my golf bag, I’ll get back to you.” Consequently, the years of the Eisenhower presidency were really good years. Happy times.
LBJ had a more aggressive outlook on the political landscape. LBJ said, “If he’s breathin’, ship him to Viet Nam; if he gets killed, don’t tell anybody. (There was quite a lot of combat-figure fudging during the war. Gen. William Westmoreland, commander of U.S. military forces in Viet Nam, frequently under-reported casualties at the conclusion of a battle.)
Which brings us to Richard “Tricky Dicky” Nixon, whose exploits first coaxed me into becoming a president watcher. Watergate was the first political event that prompted my interest in watching the news in the evening. I couldn’t get enough of the corruption. It was wonderful stuff. Anyway, back to Tricky Dick’s presidential philosophy. Tricky Dick said, his declaration accompanied by his characteristic hunched-up shoulders, head shaking, I’m-really-an-honest-man look in his eyes, “Let me say this about that! I solemnly assure you that if it’s broke, this administration had no prior knowledge of it. I’M NOT A CROOK! I’M NOT A CROOK!” He wasn’t a very good liar either.
I can’t say whether Gerald Ford had a philosophy. If so, I don’t know what it would have been.
Jimmy Carter did though. Jimmy did a lot of foolish meddling, which nearly put the country under. Some of you will remember the Misery Index, an economic indicator arrived at by adding the unemployment rate to the inflation rate. When Carter left office in 1981, the M.I. was just under 20, the highest of any post-WWII president This is, of course, where it stood when Ronald Reagan took over. When he left in 1989, the M.I. stood at just less than ten. Under Carter, inflation was high, unemployment was high, taxes were high, gasoline was scarce – and expensive. Everything the man touched was bad for the rest of us. His philosophy? “If it ain’t broke, tax it. I need the money. If it is broke, tax it. I need the money. Hell, just send the money!”
George 41 may not have had a philosophy when he first went to the White House, but I’ll wager he came up with one before he left. Remember, “Read my lips, no new taxes?” Then he raised our taxes. And was voted out of office in the next election. I would bet that whatever words were used to voice George 41’s philosophy, it had something in it about not lying about raising taxes. Wouldn’t you think?
Then there was Slick Willy Clinton – and he’s still hanging around out there, hoping his gal pal can con her way into the White House. Willy’s philosophy is predictable: “Remember the mantra, y’all, ‘I did not have sex with that woman.’” And, “It depends on what “is” is.” The philosophy? It is what it is. But what is it? He better hope the next female thing he plays “is” with doesn’t turn him in. I wonder, Does Hillary play “is” with anybody?
 W was under fire about his insistence there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq or Syria or some other place. Liberals have always claimed there were no WMDs; W simply needed a reason to go to Iraq to nail Saddam Hussein, they claimed. I’ll go to my grave believing I heard a news report in the early days of Desert Storm that stated American troops found the WMDs in Syria. I heard the report only once, never again. But I know what I heard. Someone was lying about there not being any such weapons. W’s philosophy? Never believe anything you hear, especially if its reported on NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN or MSNBC. Period.
And then there’s BO. Other than the destruction of our country, BO has no philosophy. He needs something to hang his hat on.  It might go something like: “The right thing? – I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re talking about.”
At this time I’d like to announce my candidacy for President of the United States!
One thing you can count on is I can’t possibly do any worse than the past four presidents-it just isn’t possible. The condition of the country, compared to the 50s or the 80s, is a crime. Anybody with his head screwed on even loosely must recognize the destruction liberalism has caused. Under my Administration there will be no liberalism. (READ MY LIPS – NO LIBERALS ALLOWED) Every liberal will be sent swimming back to Europe with a Socialist under each arm. Our motto: Let’s get together you and us, and kick liberalism under the bus. Rah! Rah!

                       VOTE FOR VOSS APRIL 19. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

So Long to a Feisty Nun

It is impressive the number of woman who have gained prominence in this so-called world of men. Women complain they are not paid as much as men for doing similar work, but, truth be known, it is women who have most of the jobs anymore.
Look around. There are more women in politics, more women in education, more women in television (it’s seldom to see a male news commentator anymore), more women in movies (and in roles where, in my opinion, they don’t belong – their presence weakens the plot), more women in medicine, and on and on.
The should-be jailbird Hillary Clinton is the darling of the Democrat Party. There are many women who have been elected to lead their countries around the world, i.e., Angela Merkel of Germany. There is no more famous television personality than Oprah. Dolly Parton is still one of Country’s leading stars. JK Rowling is one of the most successful authors in the history of publishing. Meg Whitman is still one of the most powerful business women on the globe. And there are currently three women on the U.S. Supreme Court. Then there are those who were dragged along on their husband’s shirttails to some degree of fame – Michelle Obama, Melinda Gates and, of course, the ubiquitous Hillary Clinton. There are, of course, many more prominent women.
You may recognize the names of most of the achievers; there are some you may not, but there is one very accomplished woman I would wager most of you never hear of. I say this because she (very fittingly) died on Easter Sunday and, as often as she has been the subject of conversation since, I have not met a non-Catholic who knew who she was. Mother Mary Angelica.
Mother Angelica of the Annunciation was a Franciscan nun who founded the Eternal Word Television Network (EWTN) and a Catholic radio network (WEWN) with the goal of transmitting the words of the church the world over. She accomplished her goal in spades.
Mother Angelica was a tough cookie, as many who opposed her efforts found. Along the way she was intercepted by a gang of American Catholic bishops and cardinals who were pressuring her for time on EWTN in order to spread their “gospel” of liberalism to her watchers. She would have none of it. When they asked what she could do stop them from usurping her control of the network, she said, “I own the network.” When the bishops replied that she would not be around forever, she replied, “Then I’ll blow the whole damned place up before turning it over to you.” Mother wanted her listeners to hear the truth; she would stand for nothing less.
An accident when in her twenties caused a serious injury to her back, which left her in pain and wearing braces on her legs until she died at age 92. But she was too strong and willful to succumb to her suffering – she had things to do and nothing would stop her from doing the Lord’s work. From making and selling fishing lures to earn traveling money from Cleveland, OH, to Irondale, AL, to overseeing the construction of a monastery in Irondale and later the Shrine of the Most Blessed Sacrament in Hanceville, AL, she never lost sight of her dream. From the early 1980s until giving over her CEO’s responsibilities to trustworthy lay personnel in 2000 Mother Angelica was one of the most influential women in the Catholic Church, not an easy task for a nun, who usually are not counted among the hierarchy of the church. In 2009, Pope Benedict XVI awarded Mother Angelica the Pro Ecclesia et Pontifice, the highest award available to someone other than a priest.

The Flip Side