Monday, March 28, 2016

Government is Just as it Seems

The year is 2023 and DFC (dreaded female Clinton) has been BIC (bitch in chief) for seven years. The times are bleak. We citizens are being put upon in every way possible. The government owns everything and is taxing it.
For instance, the government has taken over PP (poop production in all aspects) as mandated under Senate Bill SSL (Sewage Supervision Legislation – passed under threat of veto by DFC), which, if you’ll pardon the french, stinks to high hell.
The bastards have assumed ownership of an entire nation of fecal material, all that’s produced in the country. Under DFC this foul substance is treated legislatively as being only on loan to us. Not only are we charged a transport fee to be rid of the stuff, but under the new legislation we are billed a storage tax, depending on PPPP (pounds produced per person). DFC, after passage of the law, added an environmental tax that will be charged each US citizen by the amount of carbon dioxide each deposit produces. After all, she said, we can’t allow this crap to contribute to the melting of the polar ice caps. We thinking people wonder why the carbon dioxide available in the atmosphere (much due to the exhalations of respiring organisms – such as US!!) is absorbed by the oceans and is beneficial to them, while carbon dioxide outsourced by humans is detrimental!! This last, of course, causes untold damage to the environment. More further along in this highly sensitive report.)
Farmers, as could be predicted, are irate over charges attached to their tax bills for FFP (Farmland Fecal Production) by livestock. The FFP that excites the taxman most is CPP (Cow Patty Production). Again DFC saw an opportunity to beef up the coffers of the Treasury and penned in the infamous BCF (blasts of cow flatulence) rider, the rationale being that flatulence from milk cows causes major shifts in the ozone layer. Bull excrement (BS) is sent directly to DC and used injudiciously. For some reason bull gas is not considered a detriment to the environment, which, as you might expect has NOW mouths screeching for new legislation that gets their bovine sisters off the hook. Pellets dropped by sheep and goats are shipped UPS to Congress and passed around as jelly beans. Packagers of SGP (Sheep and Goat Pellets) say they have not yet received a single complaint. Little wonder.
Other maddening legislation emanating from the DFC administration is ARF (Air Rental Fee). Yes, the feds finally got around to claiming ownership of the air we breathe (after we had kidded about this for years – remember saying, Oh, they’ll get around to taxing the air we breathe, someday!! – well, guess what?) which, if you’ll remember, used to be free. After taking control of the air, the government concluded there was no use having it unless you taxed it (this sort of swerves into the LifeLock commercial where the security guard says he’s supposed to monitor bank robberies, not try to stop them, then a voice asks why monitor it, if you’re not going to fix it?) So the government, in its usually lax wisdom, says Hey, WTF, we got all this air, let’s charge ‘em for it!! But they shied from calling it a tax – too many taxes get politicians in trouble. Take water bills, for example, a tax pure and simple. But they aren’t referred to that way, are they? No, it’s just a water bill, not a water tax. Clever, huh?
I sit with pen poised to write a check for the privilege of breathing, and I wonder why the payee is DFC. The gubment is broke (or so it says) but it directs us to pay our RIB (Right to Breathe) fee to a person who should have been locked up years ago for treason. I feel I’m being hornswaggled. You and I both know that with DFC running the show, something stinks. Then it comes to me. We are being charged for both clean air and foul air, just what we should expect from a DFC administration, or any other administration, for that matter. There is no government administration that works for the people, only find ways to take what’s rightfully ours away from us, then ignore our protests.
I asked my wife to look over this piece, to see what she thought. She said it was brilliant as usual, but asked why all the abbreviations. I said I was referring to NCPs.
What are NCPs, she wanted to know.
NinComPoops, says I.

Monday, March 21, 2016

We Should All Be Immigrants

Most Americans – realAmericans, that is (no, that’s not a typo) – would agree that we are an extremely fortunate group of people. The country we live in, indeed, the country our Founding Fathers created for us, is the best there ever was. No realAmerican would argue with that.
However, there are those, many of who run the current version of the government, that would not agree with such a notion. They are adamantly opposed to any opinion that puts the idea of a free society in a glowing light. These “socialists” believe that we the people do not deserve the benefits of a free and prosperous America. So they set out to destroy it. They need to be exposed and disposed of.
And the time may be coming. BO seems intent on spoiling chances for the re-election of Democrats in November. Many are already announcing their opposition to the floods of illegals jumping the border, and decry the secrecy of the event ordered by the regime. It’s typical Democrat underhandedness in dealing with the American people. You can bet that, in a couple of years, they will be changing their tune, to announce how they favored the sneaky immigration of thousands of illegals, all along. “Don’t worry,” they’ll say, “ we had your back, all along. Now, get out and vote for a Democrat.” The best thing Congress can do, when, hopefully, Republicans win the Senate this year, is to pass a law requiring citizenship and five-years of residency before new immigrants can vote. That, at least, would be a law with which most of us would agree.
I got real curious about the immigration business and looked up a couple of unregistered Democrats about what drove them to enter our country illegally. It went something like this:
“So, Pedro, you are re-wading the Rio Grande and returning to the land of your birth,” says I.
“Si, Senor Newshawk, I waded across the reever to come here to find a new life. I wanted to find a good job, so I can support my family in Me-he-co.”
“Did you consider you might be taking away a job from an American worker?”
“Oh, hell, no. It’s dog-eat-dog out there, man.”
“And were you planning to pay taxes on the money you earned by taking a job from an American worker, who would have to pay taxes to the IRS?”
“Not if I could help it, no sir.”
“So what makes you want to return to Mexico?” I asked as if I didn’t already know.
“There are no jobs, senor, almost everyday the government says the unemployment rate is going down, and more jobs have opened up, but no matter where I look, there are no jobs. Your presidente, Senor BO, ees always yammering about creating jobs. I theenk  BO tells lies, Senor Newshawk.”
“You won’t get any argument from me, Pedro. But you, Alberto,” acknowledging Pedro’s compatriot, “have decided to stay in the country. How come?”
“Oh, senor, America is a wonderful place to live.”
“Why do you think so, while Pedro can’t wait to get out of here?”
“The first place I go is the unemployment office, see, and a fat lady in an office tells me they have no jobs. But, she says the government will be glad to pay me for doing nothing, so she writes me a check. And says they will send me one just like it every month. The check is large enough to buy clothes, pay rent, and buy food, but the fat lady says I don’t have to spend any of the money she just gave me on food, and hands me a pile of food stamps and says I’ll be getting more every month.”
“Unbelievable, ain’t it?” I observed.
“I asked the fat lady what I had to do to earn the money …”
“And she said, ‘Nothing’, right?”
“Si, nada. I thank the fat lady and start to leave her office, but she says, Here, don’t forget your new cell phone. The government pays for that, too.”
“Gracias, I say. Then she says, ‘Don’t forget to vote for Democrats in the upcoming elections. Republicans are too hoity-toity to pay for this crap.’”
“I tell her I’m not registered to vote in America. And she says not to worry, I can sign up at Burger King. I say I have no I.D. She says, no need, give them your name or a phony name, they’ll never know the difference. That’s how friendly we Democrats are. Very trusting. And the bottom line is, she said, Democrats aren’t picky who votes for them, and I shouldn’t be either. And, oh, by the way, says the fat lady, healthcare for you and your entire family is free. The American taxpayer will take care of the whole thing. We are a very generous people.
“And senor, you wonder why I want to stay here?”
“No, not really, what’s one more freeloader?”

“Man, oh, man,” whoops Alberto, “What a country! Everything free, while I sit around on my skinny immigrant ass.”

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

America the Arming Camp

I was sitting on my front porch minding my own business when a man with a handlebar moustache and a pistol buckled around his waist walks up.
“Who’re you?” asks I.
“Name’s Armo Bandolero. I’m here checkling out the Arming Camp.”
“Army Camp? There’s no army camp around here.”
“No, Senor Newshawk, I say Arming Camp.”
“I don’t think I understand what you’re talking about,” I said.
“The U.S. is becoming an arming camp.  So many people are buying guns. Did you realize there are 13 million people in the U.S. with concealed carry permits?”
“You don’t say!”
“But I do! Americans are arming themselves against criminals and terrorists.”
“That’s a good idea, I think. And Mexicans, too. We could do with a few less Mexicans.”
“Perhaps, Senor,” but he didn’t like me saying it. “It seems as though we are returning to the days of the Old West – everybody carrying a gun to protect themselves. Some didn’t carry a gun, of course - said they didn’t believe in them - but a lot of them ended up dead. Can you imagine a guy in, say, Dodge City, Kansas, in the 1880s who said he didn’t believe in guns? Yippee-chay-aa, bang, bang.”
“Yessir, reckon that’s what would happen, all right. Bang. Bang. You’re dead. Right, Senor Bandolero?”
“Si.
“That’s a good reason to have guns confiscated, one would think. Not that I think that way. It’s the way people in blue states and in Washington think.”
“Si, but you know, Senor Newshawk, there are many people in law enforcement who are publicly asking off-duty policemen and people with concealed carry permits to carry their weapons at all times. There are many instances in which a person with a gun has saved the life of the victim of a crime.”
“Now there’s a request I didn’t see coming. It really is becoming an Arming Camp, isn’t it? You know, I’ve heard that the government plans to take away food stamps someday soon, and there will be thieves prowling the streets intending to break into people’s homes and steal their food. Boy, are they going to be in for a surprise! Huh?”
“Si. Pow! Pow!” drawing his pistol and twirling it on a finger, playing cowboy. “Take that, food thief! We should hang food thieves, like they hanged horse thieves in the Old West.”
“Yeah, and car thieves, too, and pickpockets. We could have a necktie party every Friday at noon. None of this crap where those on death row get to hang around at our expense and exhaust one appeal after another for 25 years. You kill somebody on Monday, you hang Friday at noon.”
“Wow. Yeah. Think of the savings of taxpayer money! What a great idea!” says Bandalero.
“You know, with all the great ideas we conservatives have for cleaning up the criminal element in the U.S., why are Liberals so opposed to us owning guns?”

“Oh, ho, that’s an easy one, Senor Newshawk. They’re afraid we’ll get tired of their crap and start using them for target practice.”

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Minimum Wage Hike a Bad Idea

I’ve been thinking over Gov. Crowmo’s plan to raise the minimum wage to $15 an hour. This is a very stupid thing to do. It is only being thrown out there to attract more votes for Democrats. Democrats are more stupid when it comes to spending money than Republicans – believe it or not!
The people who are now earning minimum wage are, of course, jubilant. You can’t blame them. They have not thought through the consequences of a mandatory $15/hour wage and they probably wouldn’t care if they did know the consequences. They would be other people’s problem.
A $15 minimum wage means everybody who works must be paid at least that much, right? The sales girl at Walmart, the cashier at McDonald’s, the guy who greases your car at Quick Lube, the waitress at Friendly’s. They will all be making $15 an hour. Which means the prices of everything they sell has to go up.  A $10 blouse will be, say, $13. A Big Mac will probably go up to $8. A grease job might be, say, $30. A stack of pancakes will likely be around $10. Someone has to pay for that raise – us, the consumer.
How about those people next up the line – the supervisors and the managers? Many of them are making $15 or less now. They will be madder than hell when, after the raise takes effect, the bottom of the heap workers are making more money than they are. So they’ll want a raise, too, to maintain the separation and their station. So maybe now the blouse costs $15, the Big Mac costs $10, you know what I mean. Pretty soon fewer people, people who have no jobs, or work part time jobs and have less money to spend because inflation is raising the prices of goods and services will be going shopping or eating out.
The truth is the push to raise the minimum wage to help reduce income inequality is a misplaced way to help the poor. While there are working heads of family who somehow get by on minimum wage, the vast majority of those who work a minimum wage job–some 80%, according to the American Action Forum-are not supporting a family with that wage. For them, a minimum wage job is a step into the world of work, the first step into something more profitable.
But the higher that first step is, the more difficult it becomes to move higher. Raising the minimum wage by $6 an hour, as the governor is insisting, is going to mean a lot of teens are going find work hard to find. The employers who hire minimum wage workers are mostly small businessmen on a thin budget. Where he used to be able to hire two people for, say, $18 an hour, after the wage increase, he’ll probably not be able to afford two. One will have to keep looking for scarcer and scarcer work.
Liberals push for a higher minimum wage in part because the likely alternative to helping poor working parents-the income tax credit- would cost the government money. But a minimum wage, particularly a much higher one, cost the economy plenty, although in a less overt way-in the form of fewer jobs for unskilled, inexperienced workers and rising prices for all.
Republican opposition to the minimum wage does not imply an indifference to the plight of the working poor. It is intelligent recognition that the government cannot simply legislate away the problem of inequality. If we want to help the working poor we need to help them become more productive and create more jobs-getting rid of an over-regulating administration would be helpful-and stop pretending that merely mandating higher wages solves the problem. Causing a mirage of seeming wealth will not lift the poor out of poverty but will, very likely, bury them in more of it when they think they’ve got more than is really there.
Improving the plight of low-income heads of households is a worthy goal, one surely worth pursuing, but not if we create all manner of collateral damage in the meantime. Our unthinking governor should find something else to do with his time, rather than screw up New York's economy worse than it already is.

The Flip Side