Saturday, March 18, 2017

Explaining My Life Away

Yeah, I’m a little late in getting this piece to those of you who read it. I apologize.
Truth is, I haven’t much felt like writing.  Perhaps if I explain, you’ll understand.
I have several health problems that I’m dealing with. Usually, only one manifests itself at a given time. It might be the diabetic neuropathy, which can cause your feet to burn – there are no flames but it sure feels like there are. Often, the afflicted endures an especially exhilarating  experience, when your feet feel as if there are ulcers, or perhaps boils, on the bottom of the feet. There are no real sores , but it sure feels like there are. Or it might be the arthritic knee that starts throbbing , not allowing too much use. Or perhaps the worst of all  - spinal stenosis – shows up and raises hell for a few days. Stenosis is a strangling of the spinal column, which pulls the walls of the column into the nerves. Yes, there are real nerves there, and it sure feels like it.
There are medicines, palliatives really, that help … sometimes, but not particularly. Lyrica helps the feet. It really does take the pain away … but one of the side effects – Oh, those side effects! – is that it makes the user gain weight. I quit Lyrica for awhile and lost thirty pounds. When the feet started to hurt again I got back on Lyrica for a couple of weeks and gained ten pounds back! Meanwhile, Dan McManus, the realty guy, told me about Amitriptiline, which helps. I haven’t noticed any upward movement on bathroom scales, as yet. Wait and see.
When the knee is throbbing, there isn’t much that can be done. Just sit still and watch whatever ballgame comes on. Same with the stenosis. These two problems are only, sort of, fixable. The knee will keep getting worse until replacement becomes the only option. I dread the day. Unfortunately, the back is a different story. The last neurosurgeon I saw, Dr. CW Kung of Elmira, said he couldn’t fix what was wrong there.  Same with the Laser Spine Institute. They and Dr. Kung both said there is too much to fix. Ouch. That hurts. The last thing you want your doctor to say is, “I can’t help you.” My questions were all answered months later when yet another neurosurgeon, while holding  my MRI up to examine it, said, “Wow! I’ve never seen so much arthritis in one back, that’s for sure!” This was the guy who shot me down for getting one of those spine stimulators. He said there was so much arthritis, there was no room for the stimulator! Tired of getting bad news from neurosurgeons, I stopped going to doctors … except for the optician, the dermatologist, and the cardiologist I saw last week, I’m doing well.
I know what some of you are thinking: You’re thinking, aren’t you, that all the stuff that caused me to ail did not stop me from walking? You see? I know what you are thinking. Let me see if I can change your mind. It is true, is it not, that when you ail in a hurting way, you look for a comfortable place to sit. Once found, you thoughtlessly throw the family cat from that place and fall in to it. It feels so good to you, this comfy spot, that you swear you’ll never move from it.
Suddenly, you remember there is a term paper due tomorrow. You put it off all semester, but your time is up, and you have not even researched it. Not only that, Mrs. Battles, (or as you usually call your senior class teacher, Old Battleax)told the whole class that if the term paper was, for some godly or ungodly reason not turned in, or if it were not of senior class quality, that person would not receive his or her diploma.
“Oh, my God,” you say, “That woman, the Battleax, is ruining my sick days – hell, my whole sick weekend.”
You hatch a plan. You call your best friend, a very smart girl, and putting on your very best sick voice, you ask her to research the Battle of Fredericksburg, a Civil War battle.  And could she do it tonight, and you yourself will write the paper tomorrow when you’re feeling better.

And you think you won’t forgive me for turning in this late paper? Of course you will. You been here before, haven’t you. By the way, is your paper ready to hand in? I’d bet you are all in the library tonight. Whadya bet?

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Thieves and Democrats think alike.

There certainly seems to be a lot of vermin around willing to crap on other people’s lives. They loot, tell lies, run fake protests, but I guess that’s Democrats for you.
Many people have emailed me to ask if there wasn’t something that could be done to remedy the situation. A few answers presented themselves but I thought the first thing to do would be to interview a Democrat and see what he thought.
“Tell me why people like you loot,” I asked a guy named Ratty Lowlife.
“Aw, go ahead, blame me, why don’t ya?”
“Hey, wait I wasn’t blaming you personally …”
“Yeah, but you were gonna. I know your type, Newshawk. You’re just like all the rest …”
“The rest of who?”
“You know. Cops. News reporters. Soc …social, people who study other people. Victims are always complaining and blaming people like me when lies are being told, and there are protests happening.”
“But you’re a Democrat. What do you think - there’s someone else to blame those things on? Certainly, you wouldn’t blame a Republican. It’s not our style. Republicans have more class than Democrats ever had. “
“Oh, pooh. Republicans have some nerve, blaming Democrats for all the nasty stuff that goes on. If there’s a riot, Republicans blame Democrats. Worse, they claim that wealthy Democrats are paying us to stage riots.”
“Well, it’s true!”
“Is not!”
“Is so!”
“Uh, uh!”
“I’ll bet you’re one of them that hates President Trump.”
“Oh, god, I thought I was gonna faint when he got elected.”
“Did you huddle in a doorway clutching your teddy bear tightly to your chest? You look the type!” I said with a big smile.
“Yeah, screw you, Newshawk. I was upset!”
“Oh, so you and all the other sissies were cringing somewhere, tightly holding your teddy bears?”
“Mine was a fuzzy lamb.”
“One you just stole from the toy department of some store, after smashing in the window?
“Well, yeah, I guess.”
“See what I mean? Did it have a pink bow around its neck?” trying to sound sympathetic.
“Naw, not when I got it. I had to …er … find one. Put it around her neck.”
“A bow you just stole from the toy department of some store, after smashing out the window?”
“Yeah, but, did you know these store owners have insurance on their stuff, in case it get stole?”
“Sure, they have to recover their losses somehow.”
Lowlife looked as if he were about to pop. “If shop keepers can get money back when their stuff gets stole, then I think we thieves should get paid for stealing it, in the first place.”
“Well, I … er … don’t doubt that you think that way.“
“But does anybody pay us for stealing the stuff in the first place … or breaking the window? N-A-A-A-W.”
“What do you think should be done to ease the plight of the hapless thief?” I asked.
“You’re saying that instead of being punished for being a thief, you should be paid for being one?”
“Yepper. You got it, Champ. Say I’m walking along and I see a car I like with the keys left in it. Now, you gotta know, man, it’s my duty to steal that car. I mean, it’s only right. Right?”
“Yeah, sure … I guess.”
“Say I don’ take the car and turn in a voucher and collect a couple of grand from an insurance company or a bank or someplace.  Everyone would be better off, ain’t that the truth?”

“Or you could go into left-wing politics – you think just like a Democrat!”

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Cowboy Don Takes on Lefty Rodeo

Several readers have asked why it is that I haven’t been writing anything about politics. Well, it’s like this: For the past eight years (or so) I’ve been picking up a lot of good material on a presidential type who is, was and always will be a liberal Democrat. And liberal Democrats are oh-h-h-h so much more interesting to write about than just about anything else I can think of to write.
Let’s face it, there’s a lot of shit wrong with liberal Democrats, especially this latest batch.
All this crap about riots and mobs and beating up people … who the hell do these people think they are, anyway? Shitheads having a hissy fit.
All of the turmoil, almost entirely aimed at President Trump, comes via the Democrats – we all know that. These riots are all bought and paid for by wealthy Democrats – George Soros, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama (and many others – Chucky Schumer, Nancy Pelosi, Dingy Harry Reid, Moonbeam Jerry Brown, and so on, to name just a few). These people are seething because they lost the election. Never mind they had a poor, unlikeable candidate, who fully expected to win in a landslide, and the Left never once doubted her ability to pull it off. They thought they had a super female running for the most powerful job in the world, who couldn’t possibly lose to an outsider with no (or little) political experience. Donald Trump was not supposed to win that election, and nobody knows it better than the Democrats. And, man, oh, man, they are pissed. And man, oh, man, am I glad they’re pissed because I would hate to wake up every morning with the thought of dealings with Hillary Clinton as president. The right person won the election, no doubt about it, but it will be impossible to convince very many Democrats that that’s the case.
Democrats never admit they are wrong, just as they never allow a fellow Democrat to be successfully accused of anything. When that happens the entire party circles the wagons, to protect the accused. When a Republican is accused of something (doesn’t matter what it is), all Republicans run for the hills, so as not to attract any “taint” to themselves. In the current vernacular, they are thrown under the bus. Not so Democrats. Prime example: Hillary Clinton.  Everybody knew the woman was guilty of all that business with the emails and the shaking down of world leaders for very large sums of money as down payments for favors when she became president. Anybody else is in jail; Not Hillary. Why? The Left simply couldn’t afford to have its presidential candidate locked up for treason. Instead of habitating a jail cell, HRC is sitting home financing riots in America’s streets and doing whatever she can to disrupt the legitimate presidency of Donald Trump.
Meanwhile, the president is going about causing his campaign promises to come to fruition. He said he would build a wall between us and Mexico. He’s already proposed that legislation. He said he wanted to keep people whose backgrounds were unknowable out of the country; the Left blocked that move but it ain’t over yet. He wants to Repeal and Replace BOcare, and plans are in the mix. He wants to overhaul the nation’s infrastructure: he’s just asked Congress for a trillion dollars to do it. And there’s more, plenty more. All stuff he said he would do while on the campaign trail. There’s no B.S. in the Oval Office now, friends and neighbors. We got us a real action figure in Donald J. Trump.
Y’all kin call me names and all; Hell, I don’t care what you say. I’m just gonna sit back and enjoy the rodeo. I’m gonna sit back and watch as Cowboy Don ropes and ties them lefty heifers and bulls with any balls (if he can a lefty bull with any). Yessiree, and a fine show it will be – watching as Cowboy Don makes America Great Again. Yah, Ho-o-o-o!

And shame to any assholes who stand in his way.

The Flip Side