Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Virgins in Need of Facial Cream

The day after a crazed jihadist killed 84 people in France, El Semi Uno, our beloved leader, addressed the U.N. with a plan to defeat global terrorism. No kidding. As usual, a day late.
After nearly eight years of feckless leadership in various matters of grave concern to us, he has come through again. Remarkable.
It’s all so simple. All we have to do, says BO, is to set new goals for sustainable development that will finally put an end to poverty (something the Democrats in this country have been promising for years.). The feckless one also opined the necessity for providing global healthcare (dare we pray for an expansion of BOcare?) and promoting a fine education for all the wee little ones (perhaps we might refer to the system in current use in the U.S.).  BO also stated the necessity of equality for all people – including women, of course. Oh, yeah, and save the planet from climate change (formerly known by its more appropriate name, global warming, of which there ain’t no such thing. Hasn’t been for nearly 20 years. IT’S A HOAX, FOLKS, AND WAS PROVEN TO BE JUST THAT! ALL THE CRAP THEY’VE TAUGHT YOUR KIDS IN SCHOOL IS PROPAGANDA. (Some of you might remember that this is the same bunch of shitheads who called for an ice age back in the 1970s.)
All of this is, of course, pure BO Bull. The message, not so cleverly camouflaged: All the world’s ills will magically vanish when we submit to one global power – one presumes he means with him as King. (I’ve never been able to convince myself that BO will simply walk away from the presidency when his term is up. More sane individuals than this president has lamented the necessity of leaving the position of the Most Powerful Man in the World. Leave on Monday; Tuesday morning you’re an average Joe. Got to be a hard egg to swallow. Serious adjustments are necessary.)
“Americans,” says our leader to the U.N., “should stop being so selfish and self-centered and surrender themselves to the common good.
“The hatred and violence of a few ultimately is no match for the love and decency of people of good will and compassion. The world needs to work with our Muslim partners to push back against hateful ideologies that twist and distort Islam, a religion of peace and compassion.”
Excuse me! This from a guy who wouldn’t know an enemy if one walked up and kissed his ring.
This from a guy whose ideal religion forces into memory Orlando, San Bernardino and the Fort Hood massacre.
Yes, one must give the prevaricator-in-chief some credit for having nice ideas but grit our teeth at the probability of ulterior motivation. To speak in platitudes of ending poverty, providing healthcare for all, promoting a workable education system for the poor of the world, and making everyone on earth equal (especially as to wealth) surely sounds like the dreams of one who “smoked a bit” in high school.
It all sounds so time-consuming and tedious – all that work, and where would the money come from (we Americans can easily surmise the remedy here, can we not?) It struck me while reading an item on that if we’re serious about ending terrorism (and I’m surprised El Semi Uno so much as recognized the existence of such people), there is a much more surefire way to do it.
According to a Koranic scholar from Canada an error of translation occurred that I am willing to bet would at least reduce the incidents of terrorism in the world, if not abolish it altogether. The scholar claims that the word used in the Koran for virgin is really the word for raisin. Some mistake, right?
Now, just imagine that you’re this big, bad jihad guy. There’s blood in your eye and you’re ready to blow something up. You do, however, lack the courage of your convictions and have few guts for confronting even unarmed adults, though you have no qualms about strapping on a bomb and climbing on a school bus. With visions of delectable virgins dancing wildly in your bean and shouting ‘Allahu Akbar’, you blow up the bus and all the children. You feel all warm and giggly as you snuggle into the arms of Allah, expecting your due – the promised 72 virgins!
But, alas, there has been a terrible mistake. Where beautiful, curvy, warm and arduous female flesh is expected, you are handed six dozen shriveled grapes.
“This is preposterous,” you howl. “I am a jihad warrior, the scourge of the world, feared by all! I blew up a whole school bus full of kids, and my 72 virgins look like dried up goat dung.
“Anybody going to tell me what’s going on?"

Let me know what you think, but I’m pretty sure we’re onto something here.

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