It seems like every time you turn around there is another emotional issue involving children. Books and magazines fill stores and libraries. Entire college curricula exist to address the woes of young people. Teen pregnancy, drug abuse, poverty, homosex, transsex, extramarital sex, no marriage sex have become so common, they’ve melded into the social tapestry. Juvenile crime continues to be a serious problem. We can sit for hours and discuss the problems of youth at length, but truth be known, the problems of adults also need to be aired. We have our problems too (sniff).
First of all, it needs to be recognized that adults also suffer from pregnancy, drug abuse, poverty, crime and of course all manner of psychosexual crap. Yes, it’s true, adult women also become pregnant, and grownup men, for the most part, are responsible for making them that way. In fact, the pregnancy rate for older women has risen over the years. Statistics show that nearly as many married women become pregnant as unmarried ones. Alarming, yes, but unfortunately true. And in case you haven’t heard, the divorce rate for grownups approaches that of younger couples. Grownups are even known to use dope, drink booze and stay out late at night, showing the stress of a troubled culture.
All of this clearly indicates that adults are indeed in a crisis situation. Curious as to what might be done to help grownups, I consulted a post-puberty behavioral social psychologist, Dr. Rorschach Nudnick. I asked her opinion about the problems facing today’s adults.
“The problem,” she said, “is that grownups do not feel their children understand them. Grownups crave attention from their kids, but the kids are too preoccupied with their own lives to spend time with them. Kids hang out in clichés of people like them, to the exclusion of grownups. This is very damaging to the adult psyche. Grownups begin to feel unwanted, unloved and depressed. Men don’t do well at work and women are known to frequently bubble over in the beauty parlor. Parents begin hanging out with other troubled adults doing doobies, drinking spirited beverages and actually watching cable news television, especially CNN and MSNBC, havens for particularly disturbed adults.”
The doctor went on to say the dissolution of the family is inevitable. Grownups just
can’t seem to hold it together.
“Most authorities on the subject agree that kids are directly responsible for their parents destructive behavior. Grownups become disoriented and insecure without their children’s wisdom to guide them.”
Nudnick went on to say that without their children available to serve as examples of acceptable social behavior, parents simply do not know how to act in responsible fashion. Adults require a model of proper “mall” etiquette among other serious social issues. They need good examples. Children do, however, accept some of the blame, but only in a tongue-in-cheek way: “Yeah, yeah. Blah. Blah. We know all about the problems our parents are having, but the problems are theirs. We got other stuff to do.”
To get parents back on the path of healthy self esteem kids must commit to spending more time at home with them; grownups need to know they are loved and wanted. They need consolation after a tough day at work or in the unemployment line. And kids must learn to discipline their parents when they are naughty. Children are far too lax in dealing with the behavioral tendencies of the older generation. Grownups need discipline, they need a structured environment; it is essential in showing they are loved.
“The bottom line is these two vastly diverse groups need to find some common ground,” says Nudnick. “Perhaps adult males, besides plumbers, should begin to wear their pants real low and show that they too can be immodest. Maybe adult women could wear short tops that display fat, flabby waistlines, just as so many young women do. Adult men and women need to hang out in malls after work and on weekends.
“A huge problem which is just emerging,” Dr. Nudnick continued, “is differentiating the two groups. More and more, it is becoming increasingly difficult to define them.”
“Do you mean,” asked I, “that kids are becoming more adult and adults are becoming more teen-like.”
“You’ve got it half-right, Newshawk, “the kids are staying uninvolved and immature and the adults are becoming more uninvolved and immature. Perhaps the problem will solve itself: We will all become kids again!”
I want you to know that as your President I will work with both houses of Congress to legislate against the problems of adults. (There is no sense in troubling Washington politicians with the problems of children – what the heck, they are too young to vote!)