As you all know I, for quite some time now, have postulated the likelihood that there is something seriously amiss in the liberal Democrat brain. Something just ain’t right. As a presidential candidate I figure I owe Conservative voters some sort of rationale for the craziness we’ve been putting up with from liberals for the past several years.
I saw an article on the internet a while back suggesting some people’s brains can shrink for various reasons, usually stress. I considered this at some length, integrated it into the postulation cited above, and came to the conclusion the phenomenon almost certainly had other causes in addition to stress. There was simply too much of it around to be the result of a single issue. After a bit of research on my own, I, of course, solved the mystery.
“Doctor, Doctor! Look at this. Is that my liver there on the MRI?” howled Hillary.
“No, of course not, Hillary. You don’t drink so much anymore. Remember?”
“Then what is that thing that looks like a shriveled prune?”
“This is a brain scan, madam, and that is your brain.”
“Oh, my. It looks like my brain’s been scandalized, doesn’t it? Why is it so much smaller than the last time I had a brain scan? It seems so much dinkier and so awfully … shrivelly! Am I ill?”
“Yes, yes, I’m afraid you are, but not the way you think. Your brain is crappy looking because you’re a Democrat – a liberal Democrat.”
“Oh, yes, that’s true,” hand over mouth, “and it’s affected my brain?”
“Oh, yes. You see, it makes you think funny.”
Horrified, Hillary asked, “I think funny?”
“Oh my gosh, yes. I’m sure you have experienced asinine thoughts about things. Strange, eerie, scary-as-hell thoughts; like you’ll think something is true even though there is more than enough evidence to show the opposite is true.”
“Such as all the crap you’re talking about how woman are mistreated, and the truth is the problems caused by transgendered people are trumping (oops, sorry) feminist’s issues, and you’re saying nothing about it. You don’t seem to want to talk about people with penises who shouldn’t have them.”
“Oh, yes, I see what you mean, Doctor. The whole mess is so coo-coo, isn’t it?”
“Yes, coo-coo is a good name for it. Nitwitish as a loon is also appropriate for your condition. And no, I don’t believe any of you are well. Liberal Democratism is hugely serious and is not curable. Sorry, Hillary, you’ll always be a twit.”
“Doctor,” said a frightened Hillary,” how did we get this way, all the loonies and I? And Harry and Steny and Barbara? Ad infinitum.”
“Neurologists would say it’s due to an atrophied hippocamelotomus. A shriveled brain part. Very serious. And in your case, I’m afraid it’s bilateral.
“Yes, and ubiquitous. The more virulent strains very often occur in the stressful environment of a heated political campaign. Democrats get energetic trying to convince people of things they know aren’t true. It’s very stressful. Brains wither, Democrats get whacked out even more. And people continue to vote for them even when more sensible alternatives are readily available. So the disease is spreading. A colleague says he’s seen symptoms in moderates and people insisting on calling themselves independents, all across the country.”
“They say it’s stress that causes our brains to wrinkle up?”
“Yes, and prevarication. There are hypersteroidoscopical compounds called crapocorticals responsible for atrophy of hippocamelotomi in brains of rodents and apes – we’re convinced the same thing happens in liberal Democrats. Stressing the crapocorticals releases an urge for mindless behavior in people of this ilk. They develop an irrepressible desire to control those around them and make up stories about their motives. They become uncommonly sneaky and revert to smoke-filled back rooms to pass laws no one knows about. The worst of these rodents are unelected bureaucrats who pace legislative halls at night thinking up ways to curtail the freedoms of others, but not themselves. All the while, their brains are shrinking in the airless vacuum of pointy heads.”
“Yes, yes, I believe I saw several of those at the last Democrat caucus. Oh, my heavens, Doctor, I hadn’t noticed before, but the room was full of them! Many of them had brown stuff dripped from their ears.”
“Excessive brain crud,” replies the doctor. “Comes from a rapid decomposition and the development of expanding gases in the sponge-like brain mass. The condition gets really messy. You should use Q-tips to sop it up, or it gets stuck under the fingernails. Very unsightly.”
Hillary thinks for some time, then asks, “There’s no cure?”