Thursday, January 19, 2017

Newshawk Shakes Out Some Good News

Hey, folks, Newshawk here!

I have been receiving letters from fans complaining that all the news reported is bad news. They, the fans, complain bitterly that we newspeople report only negative events: earthquakes fires, floods, bank robberies, murders, terrorist attacks, all the juicy stuff.

Well, I thought about it, mulled it over, trying to figure what I could do to help bring a smile to your faces. So I set out in the Fredmobile to find some good news.

“Hi, folks, I’m here in balmy Canisteo, NY, where average temperatures range in the70s and low 80s. There is never any snow or any kind of crappy weather; the sun shines on us every day. It would be a lovely place to schedule your next golf outing.”

“Hey, folks, Newshawk again, this time reporting from Rochester International Airport. About a half-hour ago, at 10:27 a.m., an airliner bound for Madrid with 226 people aboard, including nine crew members, took off without incident. There were no terror threats and Flight 742  landed in Madrid without incident. All aboard deplaned without incident. It was indeed a incidentless flight (sic).  However, one man did complain that the little bottles of booze offered on the plane were too small.”

“This is the Newhawk, reporting from the business desk at The Evening Tribune with an important announcement. An oil industry spokesman revealed this morning that the real reason the price of gasoline remains below three dollars a gallon is because the industry already has enough money and wants to do its share to ease the burden on poverty-stricken America. (I thought this was nice).

In Detroit, formerly the automobile manufacturing capital of the world, a foreign car maker announced that 245,000 Toyotas made last summer will not be recalled. There is nothing wrong with any of them, said spokesperson Akimoto Tokomushi. However, he stated off-camera that investigators should look into the valve stems on the new Chevys.

A talking head for the liberal LA Times said this morning that the newspaper was “thrilled” that so many states are passing concealed carry laws allowing students to exercise their 2nd Amendment rights and giving them the ability to protect themselves on college campi (sic).

NEWSBREAKER!! CNN did not report that the assassinations of President-Elect Trump and Soon-to-be VP Pence would allow Obama to stay in the White House.

And finally, there is no truth to news reports stating that radical Democrats are threatening to disrupt the Inauguration ceremony. Nor is it true that there are a substantial number of Democrats planning to not attend the swearing in of the new president. It’s good to hear that these Democrats have no evil thoughts for Mr. Trump, don’t you think?

Well, I hope this news cheers you. It’s refreshing to hear good news from time to time, isn’t it? I’ll make it a point to check back later with similar developments.


This is the Newshawk signing off! Good day!

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